Journal SolemnDragon's Journal: Blinder and the dragon 28

What follows is an unpublished journal from january. Blinder wrote one too, but rewrote his to take out the really poetic part about why we weren't talking about it back then, ("Pardon me, pardon her, pardon us, for not talking about it") and so on. *sigh*

Anyway, here's what i wrote back then, and didn't post, followed by what i write now, intended to share.

24 Jan 05

So Blinder, he's this guy who runs this zine, right? Older than me. Edits things. Writes music. That's what i know about him, in early 2004.

So i send him a story for his zine. And he reads it and asks for more. Sends me a copy of my story in print- first time i've seen anything like that.

November 2004, i'm expecting, well, i don't know what i expect. What arrives is three charming, cheerful, intelligent men whom i couldn't guess which one is blinder... except blinder stands up, and then i know. Yay!

Well, i liked the company. I was sure that everyone was smitten with daoine. Hell, when i first met her, *i* was smitten with daoine. Failing that, i was sure they'd all be smitten with bestfriend... again, because of my first response on meeting her.

So i was more relaxed and at ease than i think i would have been if i'd realised anyone were paying attention to me.

They give us a lift home. Life continues. I am happily wandering through my days.

And then hell opens up, and swallows me whole.

I am lost. Broken. Things are void of form and substance. I reach for the safety that i know- my friends. But i can't talk to all of them. Who do i choose? How do i choose?

Blinder, because i feel safe talking to him, and he's close enough to my life now that i can't not tell him something of this magnitude.

I wait three days before telling bestfriend, because i was afraid she'd be angry. It makes no sense to me, either, but it's where i was.

Blinder is furious on my behalf, but keeps it on a close rein. That's important; i need that.

Blinder comes for the holidays. I'm sobbingly grateful; i couldn't imagine how to handle them on my own. I'm blind with grief and pain, i'm confused, lost, torn... We talk for days and nights. We talk about
it over and over again, not covering new ground so much as letting me get a handle on my grief. He holds my hand. I feel safe, it's the only contact i've felt comfortable with. I hug him extra times because of
this, because it's the only vitamin 'hug' i'm capable of taking in right now. He keeps his arms open. He's careful to avoid any semblance of impropriety.

I take naps. He doesn't interfere in my space, he doesn't feel alien. I am again sobbingly grateful; i am SO LONELY in my pain, but i can't let anyone near me.

He is near me.

He sees me through the holiday and gets me home. He comforts me through the madness of days. I fall asleep as one of the dead; i rest and am renewed.

He goes home, and there's a hole where he has been. It refuses to close. You can tell a lot about where someone belongs in your life by the hole that they leave behind. I know this.

I spend New Year's with bestfriend. We are relieved to see the year end. I miss Blinder.

I visit Baltimore. I am better, a bit. I'm no longer locked in my little portable room of hell. I get out for awhile at a time. I am no longer only seeking safety. I am not seeking anything else, though. We hang out. It's cool. It's fun. Which is confusing as hell, because i am not ready for emotions.

And i get to see him, now that i am paying attention, and i wonder how the hell i could have missed this grown up man the first time around. Of course i did; he was focused on not making any sudden movements, on keeping me feeling safe. Sure did work, didn't it?

I'm confused by the fact that instead of a kid, a beginner, i'm facing a grown man with a grown man's thoughts and feelings. Where the hell have i been that i missed this? Oh, right. I've been in hell. Never mind. *sigh* But i don't know that those feelings are about me.

People have this illusion about blinder. It's an illusion that persists after meeting him. People think that the things he's steered clear of, it's because he's lacking something. That he's naïve, that he's broken, that he's silly. He isn't. He's not innocent. He doesn't tell crude jokes because he's not a crude person. He can swear better than i can, and that's saying something. He is cultured, he is stubborn, and he is aware.

Days later, we've talked it out. The hole in my life is sharper, clearer. I run my emotions along its outline, reading what it has to say.

I don't know how all of these things fit together, what the clues mean. I only know that they are there, i know that they speak. I feel them ask me questions. (When. How. How soon?) and i hear them make demands (don't break this. Don't scare him away. Let us talk to him.)

(LISTEN.)

I listen.

What else can i do?

I dream of sunrises. I dream of complexity. I suddenly can't imagine not talking to him every day, can't imagine how weird that would be. He is in my blood and in my skin and in my ways of seeing the world, and i'm not sure how or when that happened.

I'm not sure what is more important- the demand that i follow this new feeling, or the demand that i hold it off for as long as possible. I am not sure which constitutes being true to myself.

It's ridiculous to think that a complex question will have a simple answer. The answer is probably both, and there may not be any wrong or right course of action here. The direction might be most important, that i
am aimed towards health and growth.

This feels true, to me.

I think that the answer may be that it will resolve itself, that no action need be taken. When the time comes to act, either towards or away, it may be as simple and incomprehensible as how i found out this
curved, smooth space around me where my friend belongs.

I am not ready to love. I am not ready to declare my allegiance in front of you, our friends. When we are- if we ever are, it will be quietly and calmly and a long time away, and those of you who saw it before we did will nod and smile warmly, glad that we arrived at the announcing stage. But you are the ones who will forgive us if we never reach that stage. The ones who understand the difference between 'secret' and 'private,' the ones who understand about surprise, and love, and confusion.

This is not secret. It is, however, very private. We are dealing with large things in our own life, and then this strange joy that is a joining together right in the middle of our ordinary lives. If we are mistaken, and it is just a deep, real friendship of the sort that epics are written of, we want to be able to discover that and announce it properly. This is not the sort of thing which one bandies about idly. It is Serious, and because it is Serious, we must give ourselves time to be wrong. Or right.

This doesn't mean that we take it seriously. To the contrary, it illustrates everything humourous about the human condition- the man who meets his wife-to-be at a funeral, the woman who wakes up one day in love with her best friend of thirty years, the girl in the hall who crashes into a someone, spilling both of their books and mixing them together. The dog who winds around his master's legs, tying him to a total stranger. That's what love is, a dog that winds around you, fastening you to a fate you might not have chosen but cannot ignore. Choose where you walk wisely, and walk on the streets frequented by the type you could live with, because when the time comes, you may not get to choose. This is like that: sudden, disobedient, and a sure sign of life. Life respects no laws but its own, it knows no rule but growth. While we may be surprised, stunned, and in some ways still broken, this has hit us in the places that aren't broken, that were apparently just waiting for a chance to come into play. This was the universe pointing out that there was strength in us that we weren't using, that we needed a reason to use and joy is a powerful motivator. We are only discovering how strong and how whole we really are. This is our reminder.

Reminders like that are always an inside joke, a private matter, a shared epiphany. They are not for common consumption, no matter what hollywood tries to get us to believe. You are wasting your time if you are watching ours; be out there, where your own can strike you down like lightning from above.

And so this is where we are, this is what we have been burdened with in addition to the issues we already carried. I have had enough of love, or i thought i had. Brought me lots of pain.

This is not like love. This is simpler, even though it makes EVERYTHING it touches become complicated. It is easier, rounder, gentler, and more safe. More strong, too. It is to be accepted, not negotiated with. We are not running to meet it, but we are sweeping the paths so that when it arrives, it will not trip. Please pardon our
absence while we clean house. There's a reason; there's company coming.

I still have my pain. But i have my friend, too. And that makes pain bearable and gives me a place to look for joy, an extra room. I am healthier than i thought, and there isn't anything that can stand against two friends.

Give us time. We will check in when we know more, we will talk about what this has turned out to be. Or maybe we won't, because this is so very private a journey that there is room for only two on the path. More, and the place gets crowded. We might spook, like horses.

I know what love is. I'm not stupid. And he knows what love is; he is neither innocent nor naive.

He says that he loves me, and that makes me very, very still inside, where i listen for the nod of recognition and the quiet motion of my soul, writing his name on the surface of the water with a fingertip. The nod comes, the fingertip moves on the water. My arms hug the empty space and We know where we stand.

Give us time. All is well, well in a way that is rare, wholesome, and good, and very unusual in the universe. Nothing is out of place, not even us.

This is good. The days will pass, and this will bring us to where it needs us to be.

____
13 Sept 05

Somehow, it is almost nine months later, and we have never forgotten y'all. We are moving, we have been living together pretty much since then, with him commuting to Baltimore for work. We have been figuring out what to do. Finally, his job there was over, and it was time for a change.

We finally decided that, while we couldn't keep it a secret, we didn't want to be a very public relationship, so we would simply refer to it as a fact and let you catch on. The initials he used in his journal were not intended to obfuscate but were a term of endearment he used early on, and it stuck, and we figured it would pretty much be a dead giveaway. We did not underestimate our community, but we have seen many relationships start and fail, and didn't want to set anybody up for disappointment by having the flood of congratulatory stuff that usually accompanies announcements of any kind. We just want to go on as we have been. We're happy that way. It has never been a secret, and pretty much everyone knew. Buffer was the first one who knew my side of it, and this whole involvement is at least 1/10 his fault. (Blinder's best friend gets another tenth.)

But, to satisfy the curious, here is a small bit of what our life is like.

We are silly people. We sing silly songs. We do dances in the supermarket. Blinder cannot mamushka or polka, but i do those (when i have energy) for both of us. I used to be able to do a highland fling, but need to learn again.

  i am more awake in the morning because i am used to early days. I take a long time to shake off my meds, which i take at night because they make me drowsy. But that doesn't stop him from making breakfast, because he doesn't eat breakfast and ironing simply mystifies me in the morning. That takes me awhile. He usually gets me some toast (rice or corn bread) or something that i eat on the way to the train.

I am spoiled.

I try to make up for it by making dinner. I'm usually oke at it, especially now that i have help on the more challenging aspects. He is adamant about helping. There are rather a lot of things that he helps on, but what i really appreciate is that he lets me do things myself as well. He is very good at this stuff, which is good, because i don't have a lot of extra energy to teach anyone. My health is not a barrier because he really likes to sit and talk or watch movies. I will not have to worry about having someone to watch movies with, as long as i know him.

We have dinner every Sunday with people we care about- right now it's an alternating game where either pancho or i will host and trmj is a guest, but he's about to start hosting, too. It will be fun. We do that early in the day when i can still get around.

We go on drives.

It's pretty normal, pretty calm, but a lot happier than anyone has any right to be. We don't talk about that here, because we don't know how, and we are relatively private people. We know that if we are having a public relationship and anything goes wrong, things get awkward, so it's us keeping the room we need to work things out if anything comes along that needs it.

It's weird because we both live- and met- here, and are maintaining our separate identities pretty well.

So we are just going to quietly continue to be ourselves, and now that everyone's aware that there is also, for now, an 'us,' you need to know that we intend to keep things amiable even in the event of a water landing, because... well... for the sake of the family. (That would be you.)

The new place is pretty much tailored to my limitations. No stairs, which is a really big deal right now. Bars on the walls that i can use for stability. Washer and dryer, dishwasher and stove and fridge, that i can reach from a chair if necessary, but that are definitely in the 'easy to access' category even from standing, so that i won't get as tired. Enough space to accommodate us and still give me room for not feeling cooped up if i can't go out. The location is central to shops, all kinds, so that i will have more choice about how i do things and when. A concierge who is used to awkward questions like "where can i find a restaurant who can deal with my diet restrictions?" And a health center opening in the building across form us in January, to which we'll automatically have access. This is a big deal, because i need to be able to get some exercise this winter in ways that are more controllable than going walking in the snow.

Also... no old radiators, dust, etc. When we applied, there was a woman also applying because her son had serious immune issues and she needed to get him into a cleaner environment, so i'm not the only one in this city looking for a more sterile environment. And these apartments will be easy to do that in.

There will be a small housewarming after we're settled, but mostly we intend to breathe a huge sigh of relief at having his stuff moved up from baltimore. And having more space.

So that's where we're at. We've gone from wondering what we were doing to making drastic changes in our lives to make room for it. We've had a lot of long talks, and i will not share those with you. They are our business. But we are happy, and we appreciate the community that we are in here, and want you to be a part of our life together as well as our individual lives, so we're glad that trmj finally thought of a way to bring it up, for anyone who'd missed it unfolding.

(ps ah darn it, blinder enabled comments. guess i'd better as well. *sigh*)