Journal Mathius's Journal: Life. 4

For fucks sake. Sure. I got the IT job. But for some people that just aint good enough. Apparantly my uncle went ahead and told my cousin who helped get me the interview that "I have a drug problem"

I mean for crying out loud, this has been happening for way too fucking long... Really... It just simply feels like noone can trust me to make my own decisions. I'm 21 now, but you'd swear I was 2.1. It's like everyone has to hold my hand with absolutely everything... Drug and Alcohol intake, the way I drive, when I should or shouldn't be doing certain things... Far out, people were even telling me what i should do in my job interview before I had it. Like, if I wanted peoples opinions on things like this I'd ask... In the meantime I just wish someone would give me a chance so I could show them...

I know people care about me and want to see me get ahead in life and all, and they don't want to see me hurt myself... But I'm not the only one like this. There are plenty more people out there who do what I do, and they get left alone about it. Probably because they're not so fucking honest with anyone. I just feel like screaming "People, this is who I am, and this is the way I'll always be... Like it or lump it because I'm not prepared to change for anyone!"; Really... If I wouldn't change for someone I loved so dearly a little while ago, what makes anyone think I'll change for anyone else..?

Maybe one day someone will realise that if they leave me alone for a couple of weeks I might surprise them. Then I can finally feel like I've done something and made a decision FOR myself, BY myself. As it is now, it just feels like people keep holding my hand.

- T.