Journal Ethelred Unraed's Journal: In Search Of... [Amended Again] 15

[funky 70s techno theme]

LEONARD NIMOY
Lost civilizations, extraterrestrials, myths and monsters, missing persons, magic and witchcraft, unexplained phenomena... "In Search Of"-cameras are traveling the world seeking out these great mysteries. This program was the result of the work of scientists, researchers and a group of highly skilled technicians.

NARRATOR
This series presents information based in part on theory and conjecture. The producer's purpose is to suggest some possible explanation, but not necessarily the only ones to the mysteries we will examine.

NIMOY
Tonight's topic is the Search for Smoochy-Bear. [jarring chord] The existence of this rare creature has been debated by scientists and those who want to be them for decades, but now "In Search Of" teams believe they may have located it using a futuristic tool from 25 years hence, strangely named "Goo-gol".

While many researchers have dismissed the existence of this creature as a myth, calling it as real as Sasquatch, Nessie or Richard Nixon, we will show you shocking footage of the creature in its native habitat, which turns out to be near Chicago. We should take a moment to warn our readership that this footage is disturbing to small children.

If you look carefully at this footage, you will see the Ursa smoochus snacking on what appears to be a bag of Doritos, drinking Miller beer from the Holy Grail and munching on the remains of Amelia Earhardt. The creature is also wiping its maw off on the Shroud of Turin.

SCIENTIST
We have furthermore tracked a flight that disappeared into the Bermuda Triangle, and found that it emerged over the creature's abode.

NIMOY
What will become of this remarkable creature? We decided to ask en expert.

ETHELRED UNRAED [wearing incredibly broad collar open to show his chest hair, and sporting an Afro ]
I say shoot it and mount it on the wall.

NIMOY
This is not without some controversy.

SOME WOMAN [wearing blue eye shadow ]
I say drop a nuke on it.

NIMOY
But what about the nearby residents of Chicago?

SOME WOMAN
Is that bad?

WILLIAM SHATNER
I don't think so.

NIMOY
I am not Spock! Er, we decided to ask a military expert on his opinion on what should be done with the creature.

MAJ. GEN. EM EMALB, USMC [chomping cigar, shaved head ]
I say if we outflank it and destroy its rear echelon, we may have a chance. The element of surprise is crucial to the success of this mission, which is why I'm talking about it on national TV. As it is, I've heard this thing can take out an entire city block with one belch. Feed it any more Miller and Chicago would be toast. Who loves ya, baby?

NIMOY
Meanwhile, religious figures did not hesitate to stand firm in protecting the creature's innocent life.

TIMEX [with a rack of microphones mounted on his chest ]
Thuh Lord Juh-HEEEEEEzus tells me that there critter be a critter o' peace, an' we should protect it, just as the Good Book says 'bout all innocent folk! [holds aloft a Bible, out of which falls a copy of "Swamp Thing"] Er, unless it looks like some swamp monster, then we kill it an' burn it an' stuff before it runs off with our Earth women. I think there's somethin' 'bout that in Leviticus. Yeah.

NIMOY
However, others spoke up on the creature's behalf, such as other exotic creatures.

SOLEMNDRAGON [ on location ]
On behalf of all exotic creatures, dragonses, pixies, gremlins and such, we protest in the strongest terms at the treatment of the so-called "creature" and don't want it killed, especially because it owes us ten bucks and we want our comics collection back.

SILLYPIXIE
What she said.

NIMOY
We also spoke to a man in the street to get his opinion.

FORTKNOX [ wearing a #12 jersey ]
Four Super Bowls! YEEEAAAAAHH!

NIMOY
But what about the creature?

FORTKNOX
You mean Mean Joe Greene?

NIMOY
And so the debate rages on. We hope to have informed and amazed you this evening and hope to see you again on the next episode of...In Search Of.

[funky 70s techno theme]