At New York's JFK airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a
public school math teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule and a
calculator.
Attorney general John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the
notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying Weapons of
Math Instruction (WMI).
"al-Gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", Ashcroft said. "They
desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a
tangent in a search of absolute values. They consist of quite shadowy
figures, with names like, "x", "y" and "z", and, although they are
frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a
common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country." "As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to
say, 'there are 3 sides to every angle'" he added.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "Make no
mistake, if God had wanted US to have better weapons of math
instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
A member of the Presidential group, who spoke without attribution said,
"I'm extremely grateful that our government has given us a sine that it
is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are so willing to
disintegrate us with calculus disregard. These statistic bastards love
to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences,
it's time we differentiated their root, made our point, and drew the
line."
President Bush said, "these weapons of math instruction have the
potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before
seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in
random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, 'Read
My Ellipse'. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of---though they
continue to multiply --- their days are numbered and the hypotenuse
will tighten around their necks."
