Want to read Slashdot from your mobile device? Point it at m.slashdot.org and keep reading!

 


Forgot your password?
Close
typodupeerror
User Journal

Journal sillypixie's Journal: So freaking stupid. 27

Journal by sillypixie

I have been fighting a rising sense of futility for the last few months. Oh, and panic, did I mention panic?

And it isn't anything I haven't talked about here before. But right now, it is at a boiling point, and I'm not sure how to vent it.

I feel pretty sure that some time quite soon, I will be leaving the one thing I do extremely well, the one thing that can bring fire to my eyes, to do something that pretty well every other female on the planet is better qualified to do than I am. I'm so afraid, you can't even know, and I can't talk to anyone about it, because it is stupid and irrational and the answers are obvious. There is no mystery here - I am not trapped. I am choosing to have a family, because I know that there lies my path of greatest happiness. I am choosing. What kind of f**cked up moron makes a choice and then spends all the rest of her time freaking out?

I've been swimming against the current my whole life, and it has given me so much fierce happiness. But now I have to give up and let myself go with the flow, I have no choice. It is what I need to do to fill my life, to have something more than some words of admiration and a resume. It is my true future.

But I want so badly to conquer the world! Do I have to give up everything to do that? All the signs point to the likelihood that I just suddenly won't care any more once I'm a mom. They say everything gets wired differently then - and that isn't a bad thing, that is what would make a good mom out of an otherwise domestically useless geek. But what if I do get wired differently? What if all my fierce plans just wash away? Why am I even trying now? What is the point? And yet, if I was told tomorrow that I couldn't have children, I would be devastated. The sense of futility would consume me. So you see the irrationality?

There is no doubt that I can work and still be a mom. But 'just working' isn't enough. There is no financial reason for me to work, even now. If I wanted to, I could live off my husband's salary, he makes more $$ than I do, even. But I am so driven, not just to put in time, but to rise...

And what kind of a f**cked up goal is that anyways. Why am I so happy doing the one thing that everyone everywhere vilifies? Am I soulless? Why am I not happy doing anything other than fixing something, building something, getting somewhere? You know, I've done all the other stuff, the stuff that supposedly "well-adjusted" people do. I've climbed mountains, I've crossed glaciers, I've jumped out of planes, I've performed in the theatre, I've played sports. I have enjoyed them all. But they don't make me feel alive. I don't want to stop and smell the daisies. I want to blast through the daisies at light speed, scattering them wildly behind me...

But nevermind. I'm sure all this foolishness will soon be washed away in a pleasant tide of hormones...

I'm sure you all think I suck. And I can't tell my husband this, or he'll just assume that I don't really want to have kids, which isn't true. He already thinks I care more about my career than I do about him, based on the excitement he sees in my eyes when I come back from a conference, or when I do something I'm really proud of. So what do I do?

Nothing. There is no answer, except to suck it up, and see where I go. If I come out of this with my ambition undaunted, then I will do my damndest to balance myself to conquer the world part-time for the next few years. And if I don't - well then I imagine I'll be pretty convinced at that point that what I'm doing is more important. And if I'm convinced, then it will be true.

Change is good. I know it - but just because I'm walking towards it doesn't mean my knees aren't knocking together.

This discussion has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

So freaking stupid. More

So freaking stupid.

Comments Filter:
  • And I can't tell my husband this, or he'll just assume that I don't really want to have kids, which isn't true. He already thinks I care more about my career than I do about him, based on the excitement he sees in my eyes when I come back from a conference, or when I do something I'm really proud of. So what do I do?

    I have no experience with marriage (yet) but I would have to say that you should talk about this to your husband though I understand how a husband would not quite understand. Then consider ta
  • True, most women on earth can contribute to the future "that way".

    But only you can contribute what you have to the future.

    And you ought to revel in it, because you kick ass.

  • I think you hit on it. It's the sense of pride you get from work. Hey, some people get pride from climbing mountains, and you get it from work. As a female also working in IT (see slashchick.com for more stuff about that), I can understand why you have that pride. If I had to guess, I'd say it's because there aren't that many women who can do what you do at work. Right? And now you want to become a mom, which is something that pretty much every woman can do, and your sense of futility is because you no long
    • Exactly. You are exactly right... The only thing to add into the equation is the awe and respect I have for primary caregivers. It looks so much harder than what I do now. And then, if I do decide to do both afterwards, I'll have two difficult and complicated tasks to keep up with simultaneously! So scary...

      Thanks for getting why I care so much.

      Pix
  • Comment removed based on user account deletion

  • you have to WHAT??? (Score:3, Insightful)

    by SolemnDragon ( 593956 ) * <(solemndragon) (at) (gmail.com)> on Monday March 28, 2005 @07:37AM (#12064981) Homepage Journal
    Did i hear you right??

    Did you just say that you're going to be like all the other mothers out there??

    BEcause i have news for you. Even all the other mothers aren't like the other mothers.

    No, listen.

    You DO NOT have to give it all up. You got that??

    There are people who continue to work and do JUST FINE. The key is communication. TALK to your husband. Make it clear what everyone's role is going to be. And plan to go back to work. WHat the fuck. WHy should you have to give all that up just to be a uterus?> Where did you sign on the dotted line that breeding means ceasing to have a large chunk of your identity?

    Yeah, a lot of women go that route, and are fantastically happy. But not all of them. And you need to be clear about this up front, or you're running the risk of making those kids miserable. If you want them to be happy, YOU will have to be at least omewhat happy, and true to yourself.
    If it's oke for a man to go back to work and have pride in their career, it's oke for you to do it, and i think you owe it to humanity to not confuse traditional gender role with the possibilities actually open to you.

    You do what you want to do. I question your motive for having children- you've talked a lot about this muddled boundary before, this mix of who you really want to be and who you're settling for being for the sake of keeping up your marriage. And i'm not fooled into thinking that you are entirely happy with either. But it's your choice and i believe that you can be reasonably happy with whatever you do.

    Look. DO you want your children to have an example of success, or not? You can give them enough love and attention without stopping your whole world forever to do it. And some day, they are going to need a good role model of a woman who did more than cook and clean, and you have the chance to be it.

    And THAT kicks ass.

    There are so few women business leaders, so few females at the top anywhere. Think about it. If you want to change that, if you can make that better, then please by all that's holy don't stop just because you have a baby. How the hell else are people supposed to believe that females can do more than have babies???

    You will be a valuable part of the world no matter what you decide to do. But... All i have to do is count the number of women on the board of directors of the company i work for to know where more women- and women with children at home, even- need to be. There are some out there doing that and maybe you need some examples. And if you can't find any examples, then you know what you need to do.

    That's right.

    Congratulations, you might be a pioneer. Now get out there and knock 'em dead. You're too good at what you do to be anything but awesome, no matter what you choose. You're NOT going to be like all the other mothers. Get used to that now, 'cause it's not gonna change. And warn your partner, if they haven't figured it out, because hey- you rock, and you're gonna be just fine.

    impressed as hell (no matter what you choose),
    solemn

    • Re: (Score:3, Insightful)

      by account_deleted ( 4530225 )
      Comment removed based on user account deletion
    • In strong disagreement with HBI, and in strong agreement with Sol.

      My own mom managed to raise two kids (with Dad's help), and ultimately become a professor at a big Midwestern university; she's travelled the world for her job (Poland, Kenya, Uganda, Romania, etc.) and loved it. OK, so she missed out on the doctorate in the end, but her kids had nothing to do with (even if I did run her dissertation down the blender once*).

      And Dad got his master's degree (as did Mom), all while raising the two of us. OK,

      • My impression is that the prospective father will not sign up for this course of action. If she can't even talk to him about it, what's the chance of a successful outcome?
        • I didn't get that at all. I did get that Hubby is unsure about it, but it didn't sound to me like he's beyond convincing. (Pixie stomp on me like the bug I am if I'm wrong.)

          Pixie, even my mom (she with the red cape and superpowers) took a couple of years off to raise the two of us and managed to get her career going off to new heights. But even then she had help all along from Dad, and the least you can expect from your hubby is the same. If he's not willing, then I submit that he's not going to be a good

          • Can I stomp you anyways? Will you squish like a bug? 'Cause if so, I'm not sure I can resist...

            Hubby isn't unsure about having kids. And he isn't unsupportive of my being a working mother. But he isn't going to take time off himself, and he isn't happy now about me travelling or working long hours. I have to imagine that this will only magnify when we have a family. And I don't think his concerns are unreasonable. He will be a great dad. Ok, well he will instigate our children to get up to all sorts
            • I know I'm late, but I haven't had time to give anything real brainspace.

              he isn't unsupportive of my being a working mother.

              But he isn't going to take time off himself

              As a supportive husband who fully expects his wife to re-enter the workforce at some point, despite the fact that she is really only getting satisfaction out of it (i.e. it is really not necessary financially AT ALL), if he isn't going to take time off himself to assist with the kid(s) at the very start, and be ready and willing to make hi

              • Oh yeah, he is willing to be hands-on with the kids. Very much so. In fact, I guarantee that he will be the "favorite" parent (-: He'll be busy having food fights and making messes and generally letting his inner 6-year-old-self that is barely not his outer-self reign supreme. He is also the type of person to become VERY attached to small helpless types - he can't watch animal shows where they are in trouble and being rescued, because even if he knows that everything will eventually turn out ok, it just
                • he can't watch animal shows where they are in trouble and being rescued, because even if he knows that everything will eventually turn out ok, it just tears him up inside.

                  Funny you'd mention it; since we lost Zach last summer, my wife absolutely cannot stand any movie situation where small kids are in danger. E.G. the various situations in Lemony Snicket....not sure if she has the same reaction to written stuff, since she is usually reading procedurals, but you get the idea.

    • I'm not sure that I would be so encouraging. There are what I would consider to be serious relationship issues here, ones that need to be addressed. From my perspective, I see her heading down a road that is going to lead to a lot of pain. Loving someone, even when it is returned in kind, is not enough.
    • Mostly what SD said. To assume you will fit into some pattern is a bit absurd. Life is what you make it.

      But I do suggest you don't go in half-assed. And I really, really hope you talk it over with the husband person before you get a third, innocent, person involved.
  • You won't get rewired by pregnancy. It won't make you happy. That's why there's so much post-natal depression in poor neighbourhoods. Impoverished women are trapped in crappy lives with no happiness, so they reproduce, and then get shocked when a baby doesn't translate into a bundle of joy.

    You'll be the exact same person, except that you'll be stuck taking care of a new dependent who'll just happen to have a quarter to half of your unique genes. You'll like the kid, but liking the kid won't make you happ
  • we'd long since be extinct. It's possible to work and be a mother, it's possible to Work on IT at Home and be a mother. There are numerous possibilities and each has it's own difficulties...
    Being a good mother doesn't mean being a house wife.
    It means nurturing and caring for your children... and yeah, work schedules can conflict with that...
    My mom thought she needed to be in the house to be a good mother, but despite being in the house, three of her four kids are overweight, one is divorced, one is unhap
  • "Why am I not happy doing anything other than fixing something, building something, getting somewhere?"

    As a step-parent, I'm pretty new to the kidlet game. But as far as I can tell, it's all about fixing, building, and getting somewhere... a little bit at a time.

  • It's good that you're putting thought into it... (Score:3, Insightful)

    by Some Woman ( 250267 ) * on Monday March 28, 2005 @01:57PM (#12067342) Journal
    Too many people just pop out a kid assuming that everything will work itself out. Unresolved issues usually only get worse.

    If you cannot talk to your husband about your future resentment of children you don't yet have, you need to figure out how to do that before you have any. I think it's important to have a preliminary agreement regarding the responsibilities of child rearing before you squeeze 'em out/adopt. Will one of you stay home (yes, daddy can do that too!)? Will the child be put in daycare? Do both of you agree with the level of effort that the other one will be putting forth? I would just like to reiterate that just because you have a uterus, does not mean that you are obligated to be the primary/sole caregiver for the child. It sounds as though you will resent the child if your husband isn't willing to make the same sacrifices that you expect to have to.

    (Though I could be reading you wrong...It might just be me being angered by the woman=mommy; man=spermdonor culture.)
  • One of the reasons you are having so much trouble here is because you do possess a fairly high degree of self-awareness. I can tell you how you are going to feel after you have a family. You'll feel a lot like you do now except you'll have children.

    If you are pregnant, then your life has changed. Accomodate the change. As with any committment of that magnitude, it can be a wonderful addition to your life, making it deeper and more meaningful. One path you could travel would having you look back on thi

  • Nor even a little bit stupid. It's all human, and I'm glad that you're talking to SOMEone about it! If you don't talk about this stuff, it can consume you. Even the little sh*t can grow internally if we don't let it out. And by talking here, you can get a reality check from the many wonderful folks who respond in your JE's. (Such as Bethany.)

    Just remember. You are coolness. If you do not have children, you will be coolness. If you DO have children, you will be coolness, with children. From obs

Slashdot Top Deals

"I've seen the forgeries I've sent out." -- John F. Haugh II (jfh@rpp386.Dallas.TX.US), about forging net news articles

Close