Journal redhead-kitten's Journal: On being "different" 4

To quote, "An then there were the local support groups. At one point I was going to five different support groups for trans-this, queer-that... I went to everything I could find. I did my best to participate in the community. It took about a year and a half, but I eventually realized that there were two basic reasons why I was a bit uncomfortable in the groups. First, just about every single person at the group, while very friendly, was also very, very different than I was. I couldn't really relate to them, since they seemed to be on a completely different wavelength or something, and they couldn't seem to relate to me... but usually insisted that they *did*, despite evidence to the contrary. And second... sigh... what's a polite way to say that there's a whole lot of really fucked up shit in that community? There probably isn't one, huh? Anyway, I decided that I didn't want all that crap to become part of the person I would grow up to be... so I gave up on the groups, and the community, with a very few exceptions."

It's the whole support group thing that I can really empathize with.

You see, on September 14, 1994 (part of my "year from hell", as it's known) I was arrested for DUI (driving under the influence) and as part of my Deferred Prosecution, I was required to attend a two year alcohol treatment program and attend AA meetings.

At the precise moment the police officer asked me to step out of the car, my whole attitude towards alcohol changed. I made a vow that I would never consume any alcohol, ever again.

Later that morning, after I had sobered up and had to explain to my Mother why I was home but my car wasn't, I called my psychiatrist and said, "Your suggestion of a couple of months ago was right.* I need to know what I can do to help myself prior to going to court for this."

He scheduled me for an evaluation and some tests that confirmed that I was, in fact, a stage 3 alcoholic. He suggested that I start attending AA meetings, and located a two year outpatient alcohol treatment program that was specifically designed for women.

When I went to court, representing myself, I presented the judge with all of the information and the fact that I had done my research and had been proactive in showing that I had permanently quit drinking and was taking steps to follow the laws (at the time) for a deferred prosecution. He said something like, that's good, follow the rest of the rules and I'll see you in two years to rule on the final charge.

So I dutifully followed directions and went to the treatment and AA meetings, among other things, and the thing that I figured out very quickly was that I was different from everyone else there. For AA, I went to many different meetings, both mixed and women only. The treatment was women only.

I was not like other alcoholics. First of all, I only drank one or two days a week, but once I started, I couldn't stop. The other thing was, I was done with drinking. It was no longer an option in my life, but everyone else at these meetings insisted that it was a difficult thing to quit. There were complaints about not being able to attend parties or go to a place with alcohol (a bar) or even being with friends that still *drink*, not to mention not being able to have alcohol in the house for fear of a relapse.

The alcohol treatment counselor didn't like me much, I didn't fit into her little box that was labled "alcoholic" so she didn't really know *what* to do with me. I was an unknown and because of that, there must be something wrong with me.

At the mixed AA meetings, I made some friends, though none of them lasted past the meetings. I have some good memories and some kick *ass* sayings, (my favorite is "It's ok to look at the past, just don't *stare*.) but it didn't really help me. I avoided the all women ones. Some of the stories that I heard there were messed up and I try and keep them blocked from my memory.

Finally the two years ended, I appeared before the judge and he dismissed the charges. It has been over 11 years since I have had any alcohol, and I have never been *close* to a relapse. One of the *big* things that I did a couple years after the arrest was to go on tour to Germany with my choir. (Germany, GERMANY! Beer capital of the WORLD!)

I guess what I'm trying to do here is to give you a bit of encouragement, Sarah.

I got "well meaning" unasked for advice from other alcoholics and what I learned to do was to smile and say, "thank you, I'll take that under advisement." and promptly go off and continue my journey, in my own way.

Stop answering these e-mails with long explanations of what you've tried and what hasn't worked. Simply say thank you and go on your own merry way. Remember, opinions are like assholes, every one has one. Most of them try to tell you that their opinion is the best and the only one that will work for you.

By all means, read the e-mails and if you find something that you *haven't* tried or would like more information on, persue it. If it's the same old stuff, say thank you for your suggestion, and leave it at that.

Don't waste any more of your precious energy trying to convince other people that you *are* different.

^_^

* He had mentioned, a couple of months prior to my arrest, that he thought that my consumption of alcohol was becoming a problem. I denied it, and he left me to continue until such time that *I* realized it had become a problem and came back with my tail between my legs asking for help.