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Journal nizo's Journal: American Beauty Redux 18

Journal by nizo

I remember watching this in '99 when it first came out and not thinking much of it for a variety of reasons, but probably the most important reason of all was at the time I still enjoyed working in the computer field. On the surface you could see this movie as being about some horny old guy lusting after his daughter's friend, but that would be much like trying to understand the ocean while never leaving the beach. Watching it now, after all that has happened since 1999, the movie took on a whole new meaning for me. One quote from the main character that will always stick with me (talking with his wife about an uber expensive yuppie couch they owned):

This isn't life; this is just stuff, and it's become more important to you than living.

Yesterday as I left the house to go to work, I just stood and stared at my house; the sun was out and the weather was gorgeous. Sounds from the state fair wafted in with the early morning breeze. The house would be empty during the best parts of the day, and the state fair would remain unvisited.

So I got in my car and drove in to work; a good job at a decent company in a career I have come to despise. It was hard to forget about the day outside, life beckoning to me as I sat in my chair like an automaton, shifting ones and zeroes all day, as my real life slipped by.

Things must change. I don't want to be sitting in a rocking chair at the age of 70, wondering wtf happened to my life. I keep trying to talk myself out of happiness, saying that any kind of artistic path is the way to the poorhouse, and what does it mean anyway? It isn't like I am fixing cars or saving lives with that kind of work. But slowly I am starting to realize, neither is the work I do now. Meanwhile my kids get older, and I give up precious time that I can never have back.

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American Beauty Redux More

American Beauty Redux

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  • We got on and it's hard to get off. You had a moment -- seize it. If you let it slip, you won't be able to get off the treadmill. You have skill and creativity as an artist. Exploit it. I'm sitting here, pushing 1's and 0's, wondering why I'm not spending my time writing. I literally have a brain littered with story ideas and I never get to write them down. I worry that the memory problems I'm starting to have are going to rob me of the chance. My life has been hell of late, but I'm beginning to see that I

  • Comment removed based on user account deletion

    • Re: (Score:2)

      by BWJones ( 18351 ) *
      Sam's right here, but I'd suggest taking little steps. Don't go and have a mid-life (early life) crisis here and do something crazy, but make some changes that will make you feel like you are reveling in your life. Take a day off just to spend with family and/or friends. Go to the State Fair. Visit a Museum, try a new food, volunteer somewhere.

      • Re: (Score:3, Interesting)

        by account_deleted ( 4530225 ) *
        Comment removed based on user account deletion

        • Re: (Score:2)

          by nizo ( 81281 ) *
          ...that's when I wanted to hear that you called in "well"...


          If I wasn't in such a soul sucking job, in this soul sucking career, I would have done just that. But hey the way things are looking, they may just lay me off due to money issues anyway. Sweet. And the saddest part is if it wasn't for the family, I wouldn't care.

  • So, you no longer get satisfaction from your job, and as Supertramp sang a very long time ago, "So your wife seems to think you're part of the furniture / Oh, it's peculiar / She used to be so nice."

    What are you going to do about it?

    This is what I did: I accepted the "soft chains" a long time ago. Call me defeatist, soulless, a sell-out, or whatever. But it's the system of the world today, and it's really damn comfortable -- as long as you don't try to climb out. So I've decided that I'm going to ca

    • Re: (Score:2)

      by nizo ( 81281 ) *
      The problem is I have been having a mid-life crisis for about 4 or 5 years now. Though I have to admit fast cars, drugs, or being homeless don't have any appeal for me. Not too surprisingly buying piles of crap hasn't fixed things either. And don't even get me started on women; I can't even deal with the one in my life already. Adding more to the mix would be insane.

      I have been taking steps, but damn it is a slow process to get a degree one class at a time. And then I keep running into the self doubts, and

      • Re: (Score:2)

        by plover ( 150551 ) *
        Well I feel for you. Obviously no one but you can deal with your life, but if it helps you to know that lots of us have gone through "dark periods", well, there it is.

        Oh, and let me add that your gallery on deviantart is pretty well-expressed. I've felt some of those things too, just not lately.

        Now go play with your kids before they get any older. Might I recommend LEGOs? :-)

  • Most people don't see what you've seen until they're in that rocking chair, or after a messy divorce or some other self-destructive perturbation that is their inner self finally doing something to break the soul-sucking monotony. You're actually seeing this now. It's a great thing!

    I'm grappling with similar stuff myself, and here's what I've learned.

    You can make that change now. You don't even have to know how you're going to do it, or the big details. You just need to know what it is you want to have a
    • Change doesn't have to be all be radical or life-shifting. Sometimes it's just realizing that it's okay to take a day off to hit the fair. Or that instead of heading straight home or to work one day, actually choosing to do something different from the usual rut. Or plan a good vacation.

      The world is your oyster.
  • (let the water hold me down)
    Letting the days go by (water flowing underground)
    Into the blue again (after the money's gone)
    Once in a lifetime (water flowing underground)

    You could be digging ditches, or building a "border fence". It ain't so bad - just remain separate from the world while working within it.

    You support a family? This is your quiet heroism. Your sacrifice - for their safety and well-being. You tolerate the conditions that would deaden the soul of a man without purpose, or meaning. This is

    • Re: (Score:2)

      by pnutjam ( 523990 )
      IMHO a real man isn't the one who learns he's dying of cancer and drops everything so he can "experience life". The real man is the one who goes to work every day until he drops dead, just so his kids will have the money to survive and thrive. A real man has responsibilities and his sense of duty and honor help him to fulfill those responsibilities.

      Sure fire mid-life crisis cure, pick a Saturday or take a day off work. Go down to your nearest labor ready [laborready.com] or other work today paid today temporary labor s

      • Re: (Score:2)

        by nizo ( 81281 ) *
        It is true that I have things good, moneywise. A quick gander through the classifieds is always a great way to remind myself what most people make (which sucks btw; I can't imagine living on minimum wage). Though I am always envious of people who jump out of bed every day, anxious to get to work because it is just so damn awesome. But I will be the first to admit, when that paycheck hits my account, it is a good thing.....
  • It was at the beginning of one hell of a story of a web nomad. I never did find out if he ever settled down....Sometimes you just can't be where you are anymore [ewav.com]
  • The future is never today.

    This is why I travel, why I do what I do (genetics bioinformatics is way more fun that old IT was), but we all have times when we get in ruts.
  • I have the whole day off
    'Cause it's a Saturday
    There is a bluegrass band
    Somewhere along the bay
    Look at the lilacs bloom
    Here am I painting the living room

    I hear the bluebird sing
    Don't let the day go by
    Look at the blossoms blow
    Over the blue blue sky
    Oh with a wild perfume
    Why am I painting the living room?

    (Lou and Peter Berryman, "Why am I painting the living room?")

    I had the luxury of having free time and energy last weekend, so I went to Great Smoky Mountains National Park to chill. I wound up climbing up to

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