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Journal johndiii's Journal: A Step 18

Journal by johndiii
No, not as in twelve-step program. I'll keep my addictions for now, thank you (is there any such thing as Book Addicts Anonymous?). More as in what the journey of a thousand miles starts with. Or as in a new beginning. Or as in a big step. Or as in watch your step. :-) (Versatile word, it seems)

But every new beginning requires an end. To make a long story short, my wife and I are in the process of a divorce. It's been in the works since late October of last year, though there has not been much in the way of concrete progress. The specific reasons are not material, though responsibility is shared equally. We made choices that turned out, in retrospect, not to have been the best. I don't generally regret them, because I did the best that I could with the information that was available at the time. However, I'm not the same person that I was when I was making those choices. And it came down to the realization that the marriage was not going to be fixed. For those to whom I've recommended the John Gottman book (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work), it was instrumental in figuring out what was wrong. Not what I had hoped for from the book, but that's sometimes how life goes.

I'm in pretty good shape at present. My wife moved out of the house immediately, though I think that she will get it in the settlement. She can't bear to talk to me (her words) just now, so not much has been resolved. I'm sad, because something that once was good is ending. But I'm also relieved. I'm angry with her, though I realize that the feeling has more to do with me than it does with her. I've been seeing a very good therapist, who is really helping me resolve a lot of my personal feelings. I'm optimistic about the future.

In the legal area, nothing has happened so far. I'd prefer not to spend the money to have lawyers do the talking, but that may not prove to be possible. There are no custody issues, as the children are both adults. Financial issues are more significant, as we have accumulated a diverse group of assets. And some debts. And I do not want to leave her high and dry, so to speak. On the other hand, there are things that she needs to do that are not getting done. And I am no longer responsible for her emotional issues.

So there it is. Not easy for me to put out there. This JE is intended partly to serve as my reminder to myself to get things moving. So, John, get your butt in gear.
This discussion was created by johndiii (229824) for no Foes, but now has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

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  • John,

    I've been there myself, and there is no possible way to make a divorce a pleasant experience for either party. When I finally figured that out (that I couldn't make it easier on myself, or my Ex), it was much faster moving.

    I can't tell you that it's not going to suck. I can tell you that there is little way to avoid it... Both of you will be high and dry. Both of you will feel you've gotten the short end of the stick. I tell you this, even though my divorce cost less than $3000, and there were no

    • Thanks for the good wishes. Good point about the house. The point is not really sentimentality, it's that we have about 70% equity, and a mortgage at a very low rate. The house payment is cheaper than most one-bedroom apartments in the area (and that includes insurance and taxes). On the other hand, we do need to be financially disentangled. We have some options on asset distribution.

      Also a very good point about there being no way to make it a pleasant experience.
  • I think that's a good step in the dealing with it. I didn't want to write about Boo. Not going to say anymore here. we have our email thread going if you want to say something further.
  • Speaking from experience, divvy up assets and debts. I decided to take the majority of our marriage debt, and then later found out my ex was declaring bankruptcy, which would have wiped her half clean and left me with only half to deal with. So now I get to declare bankruptcy after losing my job, where I wouldn't have had to if I had been smart and given her half. I hope things go well for you, it will be hard but the sooner it is all done the better.

    OB divorce stories: the lady getting her divorce before

    • Thanks. There are some possibilities for more effective use of money, if the debts are split in the right way. I hear what you're saying about there being many people worse off; I think that we're quite fortunate in most ways. Of course, I'm a relentless optimist, so that may color my view of things. :-)
  • Well, if there was such thing as Book Addicts Anonymous, then I would probably be the charter member. However, now that I think about it, I like my addiction, thank you very much. So, I think I'll keep it. :)

    Anyway, I am sorry to hear that you are going through this, but it sounds like you are getting everything in order and that you are handling things well. It's also good that you have a therapist that you can talk to.

    I'm not certified (maybe certifiable), but if you ever need to talk and have a craving

    • it should really be bookworms anonymous ;)
      I've fallen out of reading lately, I've never been a fan of public libraries, because I like being able to easily go back and re-read a good book again later... with a library it's hit or miss on a book being in the library... I browsed a bit of project gutenberg a while back, but with plain text it's hard to keep place of where you were reading last... it doesn't work as well as a book. plus if I'm on the computer I get distracted by other things like games lol.
    • Thanks. I would like that. I really feel the need to make some new connections. And I can always go for coffee. I'll drop a note to your Gmail account (I only have 10 invitations available :-)).

      The therapist has a lot of insight, and is subtle enough to let me talk through things. She can also be blunt enough to let me know when I'm on the wrong track.
  • Dude. I'm sorry. My condolences to you. I hope that either (1) you have a quick and painless process to go through to get it finalized, or (2) things work out for good in some other way - although admittedly I can't think of some other way being good unless suddenly all issues were resolved and you and she were compatible again. Divorces are tough.
    • If I thought that there was any possibility that things could resolve positively, I would not be working on the divorce. It was my initiative, though she had been threatening it for a while. So quick and relatively painless is about the best that is going to happen. I appreciate the good wishes.
  • As a youngin, you probably should ignore this. However, it's late and I'm tired, so I'm going to say it anyway. Take whatever you want from it, or nothing at all.

    One thing I've found in all ages is that changing to a one-way communication medium (email, letters, etc) gives an author a chance to work on their own thoughts. I know you have no way to communicate this to her at the moment, but if she realizes this, you may be able to communicate a little more effectively. Perhaps with less lawyer involveme
  • For me marriage meant nothing but legal responsibily and it was a burden. Besides it was shackles.

    When I was able to divorce, I felt I was completely liberated.-This is what I felt just from my past experience. I would like to write about before and after that event in the next occasion.

  • I'm sorry you had to go through a divorce; I think it's hell for most people whether they want out or not.

    It's also not necessarily anybody's fault. I think my first marriage was doomed from the very start: we had absolutely no business having a relationship, let alone a marriage, with one another. There wasn't anything we could reasonably do to make each happy. Quite simply, we just weren't meant to be. The tragedy is that we didn't realize that beforehand.

    That book seems really intersting btw. Wish I ha
    • Thanks. It's not easy even when you know it's the best thing.

      We had some problems from the beginning, but I always thought that we were dealing with them. I realized that I was the only one doing so. Even fairly recently, things could have been fixed. But you have to choose to do so, and the other important realization that I had was that that was just not going to happen. If I had realized certain things a while back, I might have been able to change things, but I feel like I did what I could wit

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