Journal dominator2010's Journal: almost couldn't sumbit 3

*Before my actual post*
I couldn't even find the link to write a journal entry. It took me probably 2 actual minutes to find it at the BOTTOM of the long page of journal entries. Why?! Why would it be all the way down there and not have some other journal link at the top? Maybe there is, but they certainly didn't word it correctly.
*End of my rant and into the actual post*


Gosh, I remember when I'd post to Slashdot I'd bust out my macro and create a file consisting of the date and then a timestamp within, then I would go at it. I would write my little journal entry. Save (multiple times; in fact, obsessively like every one or two lines. Ctrl+S is just a natural part of my writing process now.) Then I would go ahead and do my Ctrl+A, Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V, and move along. When the mass migration to Multiply happened I stopped doing that. I don't like that I didn't personally keep track of my posts.

Then I stopped using Multiply and finally did the Facebook thing, which doesn't even count. I get the urge and write up some blurb and post instantly. Again, not thought out and not kept in a personal archive like I would want. I was going to say goodbye to both Slashdot and Multiply, but still haven't mustarded up the courage. I miss my friends and have been trying to write even somewhat more consistently on my own blog. I know Erica (aka Slashchick) did it (I mean the move to her own personal blog), but I don't know to what degree of success. I guess the people that really care would go to visit. Her's, and mine granted I handed out a link. By the way, it's 22pcs.com. I created that as a side domain to my original, but wanted to use it to focus on my writing. Not just journaling, but my creative writing.

Lately I've written in the blog slightly, but have yet to get back into my fictional writing. It's been so long, but I feel so drained. It's not at all like before where my brain would wander to all the wonderful places that would get me out of the mundain. Now I'm stuck in this focused, adult, work mode and can't find that place anymore. I wonder about it and even try once in a while to get back to that place, but it has been really hard. I don't know. Maybe that's a good sign. Like it was some sort of self-defense mechanism I used to get me through my family turmoil for mostly all of my life.

I hate to think that my creativity and imagination were fueled purely by the miserable mess I felt being around my family. By the way, of which, I am going back home for the Christmas holiday this year. Even before I booked the flight, which turned out happened as a joke, I had anxiety. I felt this stress pounce on me reminding me of all the drama I would be in the midst of again. I've been so happy without all of that. I love them and it pains me to feel that way, but I can't stand to be around them. Just barely for a couple of hours. Someone else that I mentioned this to the other day said they could hold out for a couple days, and were shocked when I said that it was that short.

They're not terrible people, but I always feel like such a black sheep among black sheep. I get that "I don't belong anywhere" feeling all over again. And then I have to do my best to put on the happy face. Sometime back in high school I remember making a sort of promise to myself that I wouldn't do that anymore, that I would just let me be me and if there was something I didn't like or didn't want to do then I wouldn't do it.

That started to make a difference, but everytime I think about going back or actually being around them that feeling overwhelms me once more. Especially now that I see them so rarely. The guilt that was engrained in me takes hold and forces me into submission filling my mind with the, "I owe it to them to at least throw them a bone."

Before it was quite a struggle since part of my family does way too many activities, and the other part either have something else to do or planned, and any of that makes it hard for me to find a place to stay, especially since I would rather stay with my friends but they actually have families that they seemingly want to be around and thus make them unavailable to me. I'm looking to change that this year, or at least have things work a little differently. The last time I went home for the holidays I bounced all around between my sister's place in the city and the region I'm from.

This year I think I'll be staying in the region and may have to bounce somewhat, but that will be between friends, which should be less stressful seeing as I have a handful I would like to see, and that have expressed interest in seeing me.