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Journal btlzu2's Journal: **No Title** 23

Journal by btlzu2

hey everyone. how's it going? I'm doing so so. Got a call from my mom last night. Sounded like Satan calling me. I'm not going to go into details because it's very embarrassing and kind of private, but fdb & I basically packed my whole place up and I'm living with her now. My folks have too much access where I live, so I moved out 4 weeks in advance.

I'm very sad and bummed. Feel really guilty although I shouldn't. I let them have it and they have NO CLUE what I'm talking about and have no ability to understand. They're left behind thinking I don't think they did anything good for me. That's their issue, I know, but I've seen this road before down on this floor. It's hurting me.

fdb is incredibly supportive and I'm trying to be so strong for her, but I feel very weak and exhausted and hurt and mad and sad. None of the things I should be feeling 2 months from my marriage. I don't want to gyp fdb with all of this, but she understands I'm going to have to fight my way through this somehow and she's right by my side thankfully.

I don't know if I'll be posting much or not for a few weeks. I've got a lot to do and I'm exhausted trying to do what's right and free myself from a system of dysfunction I saw all my life. I think I completely understand the thought process an abused person goes through and why they stay--it's all they know and they think they deserve it.

Sorry for the bummer JEs, but I'm just in a pretty dour mood. Sometimes, I just lapse into feeling numb and that bites. Holding fdb close is the only way to feel something positive.

Take Care all.

This discussion was created by btlzu2 (99039) for Friends and Friends of Friends only, but now has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

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  • Comment removed based on user account deletion

  • They're your parents. I think having issues with them gives you a whole bunch of room for griping, venting, or needing support.

  • You can't control other peoples actions, you can only control your own.

    Good luck in working through the family stuff. We'll be here when you get back.

    ^_^

  • I don't know if this will help you, but I have an idea.

    Write a letter to them. It gives you an opportunity to say what you feel you need to without having to face - or cope - with their immediate response. It gives you an outlet to pour your emotions and stress out into and seal it in a #10 envelope. You can use it to get on with what you want to be doing for you and fdb right now.

    You can be blunt or wordy, if you need it. You can take the opportunity to express gratitude for the good things and frustration
    • Letters can be a good idea, but I would recommend you be very careful about how (or even whether) you express the negatives. Every negative you express in a letter is likely to be stored up for later regurgitation. The best letters might be short and sweet, expressing your thanks for specific things and talking about good memories and ignoring the strife between you completely.

      If you want to write letters as an outlet for the anger, frustration, and stress, do it with no intention of sending them. In fac
  • You're just feeling bad because of it.

    A huge part of becoming a functioning adult is boundary separation from your parents. Some people are lucky enough to have parents who realize this, either intutively or explicitly, and those people have parents who don't make it hard on their kids when the time comes for it to happen.

    The rest of *us* aren't so lucky. The rest of us either never do it, which means that we never really grow up (think of the 45 year olds you know who don't do the dishes or have any mone

  • I don't know if I'll be posting much or not for a few weeks.

    Take the time you need to get your head clear. I would suggest that, one way or another, you will need to deal with them as they are your parents - family is family, even when things are unfavorable. I do not know all of the details of your situation, so I cannot say "you have to do this or that", but I would propose that you do what is within your power to make it right. If it is not possible, you have the benfit of saying you did your best.

  • I love my parents. I really do. There are some really great memories that I have growing up and doing things with them. Yeah, some of them sucked, but on the whole I would say it wasn't terrible.

    Even though I have a therapist to help me should I ask for some advice. Yeah. PTSD from growing up in that family, seasonal affective disorder and major lacking in the "how to just freakin' live" department helped lead me to someone more experienced than I. He taught me some great skills that it seemed like every
    • You know Talinom, first of all, I really appreciate this and the time it took. Secondly, I've been thinking about your reply in particular a lot. I identify in many ways. What I struggle with, is that I don't think my situation was as rough as yours and many others. It makes me feel guilty and overly-sensitive. I wonder if I hadn't been patient enough with my family.

      Then, I read some of the things you wrote, like "Berating the fact that you are abandoning them." They tell everyone they know that I'm
      • It isn't confusing at all. A few points I might make:

        What I struggle with, is that I don't think my situation was as rough as yours and many others. It makes me feel guilty and overly-sensitive.

        Hey, man. Everyone has it rough in some way. I was fortunate enough to run into the right people at just the right times. I am willing to bet that when you look back at your childhood (about 10 years from now or so) you will realize this. You may want to open yourself to the possiblity that growing up might not
  • ...Plus this: consider seeing a therapist. It can be very, very helpful. Someone you can talk to who you perceive as objective, someone who knows what kind of behavior is reasonable.
  • Dealing with real life isn't a bummer - and neither is hearing that someone else is. What *would* be a bummer would be hearing you complain about the same ole, same ole for the next 20 years w/o doing anything about it ... or that you two split up because of the bs.
  • Bummer JEs are oddly cathartic. Something about screaming into the void... except this void isn't really a void.

    Good luck - good work for facing something that sounds like it has existed for a long time.

    I'm sorry it hurts )-:

    Pixie

     
  • Comment removed based on user account deletion
  • If you don't already keep an offline journal, start. Also, you can write a letter to your parents telling them exactly how you feel and not give it to them. Sometimes, just getting the feelings out and on paper is enough. I have a box full of letters to people that I would never give them because they would take them wrong, but at the time, I just needed to get the emotion out of my brain and onto paper.

    • This is actually sound counsel. I've kept a private journal for a while and in it are conversations with people I will never see again. It gives me a sense of closure when I write a detailed letter explaining how I feel, what I think, or why I was wrong on something (or perhaps why I have been wronged).

      Keeping such a journal also lets you work out some creativity as well, which is a nice benefit.

  • Right about one of the things he said "I iz needingz More Cocaine *Snort snort* Wooooooo That is sooo gut "
    um no wait another thing he said "Im the only non Hill-billy since Caligula to want to do this"
    UM third attempt to paraphrase "Most problems we have in life can be traced back to our parents"
    .
    And another things i just said right now also works , the only way your going to burden your good lady is if you shut it up inside , Nothing worse than feeling helpless
  • Hmph.

    So, you'd rather wait until AFTER the happy day to have you and your lady deal with this little slice of choice and awkward?

    i thought not.

    Look, everybody's given you advice, but i don't have any to offer. You're making the right choices under some very difficult and trying circumstances, and this bodes very well for your marriage. I'm impressed as hell. Keep doing it. Quite frankly, i'm encouraged, because if you can make the right choices, then it's one more little example for when it's my turn.

    You're
  • ...you could always move in with us. I mean, the Confessor needs a sidekick.

    HEY! Cheer up! You just signed the Declaration of Independence and are going through Valley Forge, but soon you'll be a superpower and kicking Canada's ass!

    And someday you'll even get along with Britain again, y'know?

    Unless your mom is French. That could get dicey.

    Anyway. Post or post not. There is no 'try'. Or something. Either way, we're here to help, you big lunkhead.

    Cheers,

    Ethelred

  • Okay.

    Now, pay attention, because I'm only going to do this once.

    Here you go.

    Have an internet hug. Not as cool as a real hug from fdb, but it's all I've got.

    It'll be okay. Not because you can fix things, but because you can deal with them. You're a better, stronger person now. You can't fix your parents, but you can let them deal with their own problems and not feel guilty about it. You've done your part. That's a powerful realization, and it will serve you well. Good luck, Herr Smoochy Bear.
  • I feel your pain.

    "This is not how I saw your wedding." That was my sister. My SISTER! Holy shiate! Who is the hell did she think she was?

    "I can't believe what you're doing!" That was my mother.

    "I'm doing the flowers. I don't need your input." That was my mother. Uhm, what the hell?

    "What a bitch." My drunk father-in-law about my mother.

    "I never would have married her." My "best" friend.

    Yup. Feel your pain I do.

    In regards to my daughter, all the parents have an opinion.

    Use /. to vent. Write about it and post
  • you know how to get a hold of me if you need another friend. i know fdb has been and will be doing a great job being your friend, but in case you need to talk to another.

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