Want to read Slashdot from your mobile device? Point it at m.slashdot.org and keep reading!

 


Forgot your password?
Close
typodupeerror
User Journal

Journal blinder's Journal: Hey Mom! Watch Me!!! 20

Journal by blinder

Is that all it really is? Getting noticed; originally hoping that mom would take a second to watch you do a cannon ball into the swimming pool?

Is that what it is now, just on a less personal scale?

I was poking around Technorati and noticed that the blog I keep for Diysearch was ranked (currently) at 1,052,855. My original thought was "out of how many?" but then my thoughts quickly morphed into "well, that figures" which lead into me asking "well, why am I disappointed?"

Yes, I was actually disappointed. Over what though? I wrote this piece and posted it to my blog earlier trying to examine what it meant in the context of this project, but then I started thinking about what it all really means, in a broader scope, and what I came up with was that the disappointment came from wanting to be noticed.

That really got me thinking. Why? There is a certain safety and security in obscurity, but there are moments, fleeting moments, where I start to feel the disappointment of going unnoticed.

I mean, why do I post music? Why do I bother working on projects? I know why, it isn't easy to put into words, and it's actually been a topic in my ongoing therapy; validation. It's a constant force that drives me to prove to everyone that I am worth something. My work output is a direct indication of what I am worth, as a person.

Sure, most of us have this feeling. Most of us want to be noticed for what we do, to show the rest we are capable, smart and clever. Am I suggesting that this is the only reason why we engage ourselves in projects? No, because I can honestly say, for myself, that the primary motivation to start Diysearch was that 10 years ago, nothing like it existed and it frustrated me, and that having the opportunity to build things and see them work is its own reward. But, it was the disappointment in that the traffic to the site isn't what it used to be, the number of users is a fraction of what it was, and that stupid blog ranking just really kicked this thinking of what motivates me.

What's so great about being noticed? My life is littered with stories of being an almost has-been. Oh sure, some of them are entertaining stories, and I learned a few life lessons along the way, but they've all come at a cost.

So, here I sit, in my cube at work, realizing that I am disappointed.

This discussion was created by blinder (153117) for no Foes, but now has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

Hey Mom! Watch Me!!! More

Hey Mom! Watch Me!!!

Comments Filter:
  • I don't post very often and don't journal at all because I'm afraid of the disappointment of not being noticed or getting a type of attention I didn't want. Yeah, pathetic, and I know where it comes from and why it's there.

    I also know I'm just more comfortable in my little cocoon of solitude. Or maybe I just think I am. Who knows. :)
  • Don't worry, a few hundred years from now someone will dig up Slashdot's archive disks and add our collective wisdom* to the great pool of knowledge. Readers will be amazed by our trials and tribulations, our woes and our glories, and our general varied daily representations of geek culture in the early 21st century. Fan clubs will be started, with our likenesses splashed across millions of coffee cups, posters, and assorted clothing products. Even the bodies of screaming fans with our likenesses tattooed
  • Comment removed based on user account deletion
    • Doing a good job really is a reward in itself.

      Having others notice it is encouragement to keep doing it.

      I also feel much more comfortable taking pride in my work, and taking credit for it, when someone else acknowledges it.

      If mine is the only opinion, then telling myself how awesome I am just makes me cocky. Having others tell me that I am in fact, kicking mucho ass, just makes me honest with myself when I happen to share the sentiment :-)
    • Very good point, Sam, I was about to post something similar. blinder, do the things you do because you like or want to do them, not because you want a banana. You don't seem like a monkey to me. ;) You will find they are much more rewarding then.

      I was a writer who published regularly, poems, short stories, even was elected into the board of the German Young Writer's Guild. I haven't written anything in years, for two reasons: 1) I don't need the attention no more. And 2) I will only start writing again when
      • Comment removed based on user account deletion
        • Same here, I'm stuck at home working 16-18 hours every day while wife & kids are visiting grand-grandma and enjoying the nice weather. It sucks balls.

          While I read what you wrote about the mind's room to roam, I realized that the main reason I don't start writing again is that I tend to get absorbed by it, and I'd rather see my kids grow up and reflect the wonderful experience instead of spending much of my worktime and most of my evening time to finally write all those books I have inside my head.

          I'd re
  • THis is something that I have been trying very hard to deal with lately, and it resonates with what you have to say. For years I have had story ideas, plots, characters and such that I have avoided writing. Looking back I can even see how I set myself up to not so much fail, but avoid having to actually commit to my creativity. Basically self-sabotaging my efforts. Why? Well, because I was afraid of rejection and I was afraid of success. So I made sure I never had to deal with them. Now I know I have
    • Well said - I myself have had a number of worthy, creative projects that capture my interest for a matter of days and weeks, and seem to be quite viable, but taking the step of actually committing to the task of completing them remains beyond my grasp.

      The only thing I took to the point of public posting was a website (long gone) called MirPool.com - the basic idea was to allow surfers to use an interactive map offered on the web by the JPL post their guess as to where the Mir space station was going to hit

  • but then I stopped reading.

    Not enuff nekkid stuff dontchaknow.

    Cheers,

    Ethelred

  • I'll tell you a secret: it's all mirrors. I learned a long time ago that the only person who can ever validate me is me. Yet often it can still be a struggle.

    The good news is that if you can look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you love and accept _you_ just the way you are, that's really all it takes-- as often as it takes-- until you believe it. See, the bad news is that each of us is already trained like monkeys to be down on ourselves, belittle both our efforts and self-esteem, and w
  • rather than just giving you a pep talk at home.

    Listen- you're disappointed because you have finally started to have a clue what you're capable of, and you're surprised that the response that you're getting from the world doesn't match the self-esteem that you've (secretly) started to almost believe in.

    Well, what did you think was going to happen?

    No, that's not an excuse to kick yourself. Answer the actual question. Or here, i'll help:

    You thought that you'd automatically shoot up to the top of the ch
    • ...you're demanding a pre-built castle, and you're demanding one with glass walls and an audience.

      Except the bathrooms: they MUST have opaque walls. Having people watch me while I sleep would creep me out too.

      Back to my favorite yardstick rant: make sure you aren't using the yardstick given you by the popular media to measure your success (or pretty much anything else). Yeah I have seen the news storys about how whatshisname founded google with $5 in his basement and now has a vault made out of stacks of 10

  • ...but I'm going to be on local TV tonight.

    I just happened to be lucky enough to be sitting at a computer in front of the news camera. I could barely hold in my laughter as the reporter had to keep repeating his line, in order to get it right.

    (It's quite possibly you'll be able to see my smirking face. I tried to keep it under control. I really did!)

    They were doing a piece on how Google is opening a campus two hundred miles away on the other side of the state. /me wonders if News Team 8's website has a v
  • look what's on the top of this list [www.last.fm].

  • I was poking around Technorati and noticed that the blog I keep for Diysearch was ranked (currently) at 1,052,855. My original thought was "out of how many?"

    What is technorati ranking here? It appears to be simply based on the number of inbound links. My own OldSkoolBllog [oldskoolcomputing.com] is ranked at 1,042,301 [technorati.com]. Doesn't mean nothing except we both gottsta get off our keesters and get some more backlinks happening. Get your (and my) blog into as many other bllogrolls as possible, then we climb up the rankings.

    "Out of how man

  • A few years back, you mentioned on your JE that diysearch was getting 4-5k visitors a day. Then the site got nuked due to some exploits. I don't recall much about the earlier version but have you changed the purpose of the site?

    arb might have a complaint against Technorati but it is quite a good indicator of your site. Some search engine launched a blog search that would sort by relevance but it has gotten nowhere. It's a far more difficult task to achieve.
    • yeah, at its peak, the site was getting about 4k users a day (searching/adding links/browsing categories). this was in mid-2003 right up into late 2004. then my personal life went into a tail spin and i simply couldn't keep up with all of the work the site required at the time, and that also happen to coincide with the various attacks the site was subjected to (when it rains it pours).

      so the site went up and down for months... and about the time i was getting ready to move to boston, the site had been down

Slashdot Top Deals

We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.

Close