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Journal blinder's Journal: Closing 19

Journal by blinder

Today was kinda strange. Strange good, strange final. Strange weird.

today i closed, finally, on my refinance... effectively removing tracy from the deed/title of the house. she had to come over around 4pm and sign paper work that basically said that yes, she wants off and out.

so basically i am now the owner of my own house now. wow.

its not about the material thing that has me feeling good/weird. its that since tracy and i were never married our separation was never really formalized. but this, this was formal.

i needed to have this. this was important. and not just in the legal sense of it being important... but emotionaly as well. this was a way to formalize the death of our relationship.

when i saw her today, i felt weird. it was sad to see her again. she looked fine, seemed okay, complimented me on how i looked -- while at the same time she seemed like a stranger to me. i spent a decade with this woman, and i know her better than anyone, but she seemed like a stranger. she was there all of 15 minutes, signed the paper work and i then i walked her out to her car, she asked me how i was doing... i said i was really starting to get happy -- drop a clue or two about me dating, i asked how she was doing... she said good... but you know what? i think i figured it out what i was feeling.

i was feeling bad for her. i don't hate her. i'm angry with her... but i don't hate her... and i would never wish anything bad to ever happen to her. she is a good person. but i just saw this saddness in her eyes and i could tell she wasn't doing well... i just *know* her. and in the past... i would then go into my blinder-fixes-stuff mode and try to help... but this is no longer my job. i don't want to see her feeling bad. but its also not my job, nor is it my business, to try to make things better for her. she has to do that.

hell, for all i know she is just fine and really didn't want to be there.

oh well. its fully over now. the paperwork is signed... its going to be filed with the courts tomorrow and that is that.

do i ever think i'll see tracy again? some how i really doubt it... and i'm getting okay with that. its hard to just acknowledge that a decade is over, things went horribly wrong and now that i've dusted myself off, gotten back up and am happily walking my path -- but that's exactly what it is. a conclusion. this particular story has come to an end.

music swells, fade to black, credits roll.

This discussion was created by blinder (153117) for no Foes, but now has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

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  • The following random quote was at the bottom of the page showing your journal entry:

    In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. -- Ann Frank

    How strange. And perhaps how fitting. I'm glad that you don't wish her ill, and that you didn't feel the need to do anything about what you saw in her eyes. Both are better for you.

    I changed my locks last week and am changing some security system stuff later this week to ensure that a crazy ex does not enter my home, nor allo

  • it was sad to see her again. she looked fine, seemed okay, complimented me on how i looked -- while at the same time she seemed like a stranger to me.

    Yeah, what he said. I know that feeling all too well. I still love my ex immensely, and would do virtually anything for her. But when we're together, I just don't have the same connection with her that I once had. She seems distant, and although there are little clues here and there, it's sometimes hard to recognise the person with whom I spent several years

  • 1) We have to sit down and plot out your life so far. I am so confused now, and my scorecard is a mess.

    2) Use your hatred b1inder. Come to the Dark Side (where nuthin' is rea-heal, she'll neva know just how I fea-heal, from out of the shadows she walk like a dre-heam, makes me crazy*THWACK* !Not THAT DarkSide!)
  • closure is important. It means that now you can feel free to be something other than her ex, you can be your own person.

    it can't have been easy for her, and i don't know which part would be worse- if you weren't doing well, she'd feel badly i'm sure, but it can't have felt good to see you thriving without her.

    Hmph. Her loss.

    so now you have closure. Get some clothes that fit, get some new decorations for your house. You made her take all of hers away, right?

    If not, it's time.
  • *hug* Baby step to four o'clock.

  • That after the credits is when they show the previews for the really cool movies that will come out soon.

  • It was either that, or "Baby, don't go away mad..."

    Congrats on another be step on becoming one with Blinder - "Just this guy, ya' know". Life's too short to hate 'em. And too short to pretend you're not angry when you are.

    If I were to hoist a beer tonight, you could rest assured it would be to your health.

  • You've made quite a lot of progress, my good friend, let me count the ways:

    1. You got what is yours back. The house.

    2. You acknowledged the end of the relationship. Wow. It took me 14 years to acknowledge the end of my last relationship. That's not the norm, but really feeling the end of a ten year relationship in less than a year is pretty dammned impressive.

    3. You recognized your feelings for Tracy: sadness and anger. You also felt loving-kindness for her. At the same time. That's some big f
  • I haven't read every single one of your JEs, so I might have missed something, but you do still have the cat don't you?
    • yes :)
      kidd is safe and sound... currently sleeping right here next to me on the sofa... hoping i'll be going to bed soon. she only goes to bed when i do :)

      • Sadie (our cat) waits until things have settled down on the bed before she dares jump on. After three years we're still like newlyweds ;-)
        • hmmmm....

          /looks around for zippo

          ah hah! there it is

          /flicks zippo

          nuts! you are lucky this time my friend... empty... but be warned... you have been marked for termination!!! hahahaha!

          hehe... um yeah... so Sadie is obviously smart then... Kidd kinda has the same policy... she waits for things to settle down too... but that's just because i enjoy jumping up and down on the bed for a few minutes before getting some sleep... i guess i just never quite outgrew that little ritual.

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