This will solve everything!

Coldplay.

I thought most two-dollars were taken out of circulation. Maybe this is what the government is doing with all of them?

Dear SETI,

Make your own crypto-currency, and use the extra cycles to run all the calculations you'll ever need.

Love,
Obvious Solution

Shady as heck, preying upon the fears of those poor uninformed politicians! That's so mean!

Because they don't need them.

Given how they are usually used, "twit-storms" might be a better name.

Calling it now.

Will fear-mongering warhawks trying to scare the public against the "red" threat succeed in getting Bitcoin banned? Or will Wall Street crony-captalists eager to scam as much money out of digital currency as possible prevail?

Could this be the end of Bitcoin?!?! Will a nuclear-powered DPRK succeed in harvesting every last drop of your spare processor power??!? Will Wall Street bilch billions from Americans before driving Bitcoin into the ground?

I can make sensationalist headlines too.

Resistance was futile.

When asked for clarification, they responded "Everything is screwed anyways, so who cares!"

What will prevent them from making their instructions more unclear in order to drive customers towards their new "service"?

We should not be okay with this. Reduced choices leads to increased cost. Fewer companies means less competition, and a greater probability of collusion and price-fixing. We should be furious.

However, the people who actually run this country are quite okay with this, so it will almost certainly go through.

The Coast Guard: Making old greek parables relevant in the digital age.

This is almost definitely going to be a new plot device on Silicon Valley next year.