On Friday I had a telephone call to make and was at the UCSD library. I tried one payphone managed by IOS. The telephone read "all calls $0.50" so I deposited fifty cents and dialed the number. After two rings I was greeted with a message indicating that the service had been discontinued. I hung up but did not receive my fifty cents back. I picked up the transceiver and dialed again. I was prompted for another fifty cents. I deposited the fifty cents and, on the second ring, was again greeted with a message informing me that service had been discontinued or that the account was delinquint. I hung up and received seventy-five cents in change. Not quite realizing the variation in sequence yet (who has ever heard of a pay phone that cares when you deposit the ante, and will make change depending upon whether or not you deposited before or after dialing?) I deposited another fifty cents and tried again. Again the telephone did not make change. I tried the operator (0), heard the ring, thought,"Maybe the line needs a valid connection before it makes change", hung up, no change. I dialed the operator again, waited for the operator, asked if they could release my change, was informed that they cannot make refunds (back in the 80s, at least, the operator could somehow trigger a payphone to empty the till), I was positive that the operator was either misunderstanding me or deliberately attempting to bait me into an argument, and I bade her a good day. No change. I did something--but it wasn't the dial and then deposit--tried the change lever, tried dialing while holding the change lever, tried making a collect call so that at least a valid connection would be made, (tried not to pay any attention to the weener-diddle across the lab who insists on pretending to whisper to his friend when he's really directing his voice to whisper into my ear... may he fry in h-e-l-l), and somehow managed to return two (of the three) quarters that the telephone still had. The USCD librarian suggested that I use the telephone on the opposite side of the entryway. I tried that telephone, dialing first, depositing the change next, received a receptionist, asked to page the person whom I was calling (the note said specifically to call between 2:30 and 3 PM and ask for a paging--it was about 2:50 PM when I called), received the voice mail, left a message, and continued on about my day.
I journeyed up to look-idea and gathered sand for the counterweight. I stopped off at my favorite pub, they were playing g4y and burned-out-retread music, so I dashed through a table of eight ball, left five on the table, emptied my beer, and left. I caught the next breeze headed south but the driver ended his shift at the bus/coaster stop in Encinitas. There was one more bus on the way but, as it boarded, I noticed that the entire bus was loaded with junk and I didn't want the gossip to be on me when people start passing around the little,"Did you see the bus ful of trash that rolled into town last night?" game so I skipped it. That was the last bus.
I walked to Del Mar, where I slept, and walked the rest of the way in the morning. Very nice hike. I arrived at the garden walk ten minutes before noon.
They've always been very nice at the pub in look-idea. I don't know what was wrong that night. I ordered a mixed shot, received a single, and was charged for a double. I still left a tip.
Every time someone points a finger of attention in your direction that is guilt they are passing. That is their guilt that they are passing to you. Guilt is like stress. There is "good" guilt (for things which you should atone for) and there is "bad" guilt which is the stress that people are unrightfully passing to you. Scapegoating is the game of loading guilt onto one person by constantly haranguing and harassing and pointing and staring and bothering and interrupting them. When a person becomes loaded with guilt, good or bad (deserved or undeserved), they begin to exhibit sin or illness. Sin is a way of passing guilt (or stress) because the sinful act causes a rush of a feeling of wellness. Sinful acts may accumulate their own guilt if such guilt is deserved. Sinful acts which are a result of the need to pass bad (undeserved) guilt accumulate even more. Society, by tying every action, even recreation, to money, has made it quite easy to set up scapegoats, to pass the guilt to one target, because people who are in danger of losing everything they have and become homeless are very easy to bait into frustration and fault.
The easiest method of passing guilt is gossip. You can talk a person up or you can talk them down. Lately at mass there's been a dirty scoady looking guy with dirty blond hair who reeks of ur1ne. He is there to give the people (who do not know that I am singing at the other side of the church) something to talk down on. Therefore he contributes to the public perception that the homeless guy who attends Catholic mass is a dirty reeking scoad even if the people passing such gossip do not even know me. Therefore, when more people who talk with them or who overhear their conversation see me, then they see a homeless man, a burned and scarred and disfigured homeless man, and their first impression is to think less (talk down) on me. It's all about perception. That's where the game of mimicking, or dopplegangering, someone has come into play over thousands, maybe tens of thousands of years.
Actions speak louder than words. In fact, for the greatest part, verbal communication is 1) a crutch for the intellectually disadvantaged and 2) a diversion, an excuse, a way for people to justify denying their actions. People who sit and babble on are either seeking attention (to fill their own guilt and thereby pass the guilt on the people whose attention they capture with their babble) or they are deliberately attemtping to create a situation of discomfort. Witness the fellow speaking (sounds like) Italian over my left shoulder. Witness also the fellow who insists on sitting with his hand picking at his mouth to my right. He's trying to catch my attention. He wants my attention. Do you know why he wants my attention? He wants my attention so that he can pass his guilt to me. If I would turn and give him my attention then he would give me the "I'm ignoring you" look, or he would look down on me, or he would give me the "Is there a problem?", and in that manner he would feel better about himself because he had "dogged" a homeless man--society feels that the homeless are there to pass their guilt for them. They feel it is their right to talk down on me, to point at me, to direct attention to me, to take their guilt for them. I'm not having it. It is their guilt--they may keep it.
Speaking of "is there a problem?" type guilt passing... witness the walk on Saturday morning from Del Mar back to La Jolla. As I walked up the enormous hill by the Torrey Pines nature preserve by Scripps a woman came jogging, very quietly, behind me. All the way down the hill (from Del Mar) and halfway up the hill I had listened to cyclists and runners pass me. Some of them traded happy greetings with me. Not a single one surprised or startled me. Except this one woman. She must've been trying really hard to sneak up on me because, all of a sudden, there was a sing-song (derisive) "Hi-i!" in my ear. I started, just a little (just enough to spring my step, but no more), and looked at her as she gave me this enormous stupid grin that communicated quite clearly,"Ha-ha! Gotcha!" Now who was that woman? Did she know me? Do I know her? Has she ever bought my lunch? Has she ever taken even five minutes out of her day to greet me or introduce herself to me? What made her think that she was within her rights to sneak up on a homeless man, laden with around 13 kilos of his sole worldly possessions, and start in his ear like that? So, even though I was laden with around 30 pounds of my sole world possessions, I picked up into a jog to catch up with her (and this is running uphill). I caught up with her, there's no way she couldn't have heard my bags as they flopped on my shoulder, and leaned in close to say "Hi!" to her. She gave this start, whipped around, quickly put on the "I'm frightened for my life and I'm going to tell everyone that I thought you were going to r4pe me!" look, and demanded of me,"Is there a problem?"
"Just returning the favor, ma'am," I gave her a fifty dollar grin as I resumed my walking pace and she jogged on.
Try it with your pet dog sometime. Try it with someone else's pet dog. Try it with a pit bull, or a doberman, or a german shepherd. Stare at them. Stare over their shoulder while they eat. Whenever they look like they just got comfortable disturb them--call them over, demand that they fetch, or yell at them that they cannot sit where they just became comfortable. Constantly pester them. Take them out and run them, play ball until they are panting and gasping, and then when you bring them home and they are tired then constantly look at them. Make them the focus of your attention. Get down on all fours and mimic them. If they move right, then move right. If they wag their tail then you wag yours. If they give a short bark then you give on in return. See what happens. I guarantee it will be hilarious.
If you haven't figured this out on your own then, to be curt, you are pwnt. Do not blame me for your guilt. It is your guilt. You take it. I refuse to pass any more guilt until the situation has been fixed to my satisfaction. I take care of my guilt. I have no problem. I will be happy to count beans of guilt with anyone who thinks they have a right to look down on or talk down on or point down on or call names at or stare at or direct unwanted attention to me.
Ask the passover people about this. I am correct.
Filthystinkingdoggingrobbingsuperstingyscroogeville.
It has come to my attention recently that Pretty Boy Jeff, who likes to talk about some guy who paid an Asian woman to take a full steaming crap on his chest (and Jeff is never quite clear who he's talking about, I know he's always trying to direct attention to me when he talks about poo, and I suspect that he's trying to divert his own guilt to me, like maybe he's the one who likes to watch a woman leave a big steaming pile of poo on his chest), and Red Beard Paul have made a game out of spying on me at night. I knew about it last summer but never had it independently confirmed. It has been now independently confirmed. Red Beard Paul has a pair of binoculars and he makes a habit of watching me at night and in the early mornings. He also has a habit of leaving trash, and his junk, around the Church and then letting the other scoads talk about it as if it were me who did it. The scoads even dig in the trash after me. When I sit in a parking lot at night before bed, if I take something to the trash, then they have someone go and pick it up. When I finish washing in the morning and take the towels to the trash on my way to church then they wait until I am in church and then they dig the towels out of the trash. Then they go around town and make believe that Red Beard Paul is me, and they also talk about me, though not by name, but only using "that guy with the [dirty] blond hair", "that tall guy that goes to mass", and, of course, they begin adding in any manner of name-calling accusations such as "drunk", or "predator", or "we don't know about him".
You can talk someone up, or you can talk them down. Somewhere in the past, somewhere, there is a group of someone's who have always talked me down, always cast suspicion on me, called my managers, called my family and friends, frequented the places that I frequent, gotten to know the other people who frequent those places, and always, just like Red Beard Paul and Jeff, done everything they can to direct suspicion towards me. It is highly likely that, at some point, someone has even told the police during an interrogation,"Yeah, we've been on him for years." I may have heard it while drifting off to sleep last night.
Filthystinkingdoggingrobbingsuperstingyscroogeville.
