Am I the only one who parsed the title of this post as Apple selling an extra life a la Scott Pilgrim? Because some Applephiles do need to get a life, y'know.

Here's his most recent statements that seem just off:

-Don't contact ET. On the one hand, what are the odds that we will do so? On the other hand, oops, you're about 100 years too late if we count radio signals alone, ignoring the big thrust that took place in the 70s and 80s.

-No need for God, gravity made everything. Creation versus evolution aside, doesn't gravity describe the attraction between particles based on their mass? So, if you have no particles, how could gravity make something ex nihilo?

-No Grand Unified Theory. Seems like a bit of hubris taking its course here. "If I can't find it, no one will!"

This one time, at band camp, I took a flute and Suzy took a flute, and we blew two notes where the difference was 15Hz and we got high.

Somebody just watched an episode of Dr. Who from the sounds of it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hungry_Earth

Hold on. You're doing two things wrong here. First, you're changing the definition of, "tolerant," to, "acceptance," or, "agreement." Second, you're lumping together totally different groups of people.

Okay, define how this is intolerant. Are they killing your kids if they do not convert? You always have the option of shutting the door if you don't like it.

How many abortion doctors have been shot by self-described Christians? Less than a dozen (which I would say is still too much). And true Christians condemn these acts (that whole Sixth Commandment and all).

Ah, now you're talking about Muslims, which is a totally different religious group. Fundamentalist Muslims will try to blow you up. Fundamentalist Christians just pray for your soul and witness to you.

To turn this around, aren't you being a little intolerant in the way you're presenting their beliefs?

That also doesn't sound very tolerant.

If someone wanted to go religious, Matthew 5:28 would probably be a better one:

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

I had it worse as an IT guy for slaughterhouses. You can read about some of the, "fun," here.

This video was totally inaccurate. The NPC actors didn't repeat the same thing over and over when the knight approached them.

"Where are you taking grandma?"
"Where are you taking grandma?"
"Where are you taking grandma?"

I salute you, sir. Now you're baiting more grammar fiends for the errant apostrophe and those who will throw the penalty flag for improper use of Godwin's Law.

"And now time for Ollie Williams with the Space Weather Forecast. Ollie?"

"IT'S REALLY DARK!"

"Turn around, Ollie. How's the sun today?"

"BIG BALL O' FIRE! IT'S HOT!"

Sorry, but most of these jobs are not that, "dirty," compared to my last job. I did systems administration work for a meatpacker. This meant that several times a year I would go to feedlots and slaughterhouses to help out with the systems. There is nothing like working in a place where you can be walking on guts and dung as you go up and down to the computer rooms. (And by, "rooms," I mean, "modified coat closet with an air conditioner sticking in a hole cut in the wall.") Some of my favorites:

-One abattoir had the intake for the server room on the roof... directly under the exhaust tower for rendering. Even when we moved the equipment into the new offices, I turned on the disk array and got a face full of rendered pork from the fans.

-One place in Texas was a nightmare. Imagine extension cords stapled to the wall for systems, where they were wired so the pronged end was the, "hot," side. Yep, it could double as a cattle prod if needed.

-Communicating with the people at these places was impossible. One night crew person sounded exactly like Boomhauer. It was always fun trying to understand her.

-Other people didn't like the fact that we in IT were generally smarter than them. I got one woman who liked making up big words to sound more intelligent than she was. On one occasion, she said that her screen was, "tricating." I had to ask her a few times to repeat the word to understand it. After I found out that she meant that the column size for her green screen console was wrong, causing the lines to wrap improperly, I told her I had never heard of that word before. "Oh, you're young," she said, "that's why you don't know it." Yeah, neither did Merriam and Webster, and they're pretty old, too.

-Another plant in the south had an adjacent, "smoking room," in someone's office, so the fans were sucking in both slaughterhouse smell and nicotine. Lovely.

-And it was always fun walking on the floors when we had to check out the equipment, since we in IT stuck out like sore thumbs. I remember going to check an electronic scale once and watching these workers with sharp knives cutting things and staring at me. I was thinking, "Why don't you look down at what you're doing with that sharp blade instead of me? You know, that piece of meat that has... an... eyeball looking back at me... oh, boy...."

A new science teacher came to my high school during the 1980s. During the first week of his job, he decided to help clean out the chemical closet. As he was going through things, he came across a large jar of picric acid, which is an ingredient to some explosives. As he took a more detailed look, he noticed that the acid had crystallized.

He called up the local police department to talk to someone who does hazmat / dangerous chemicals work. The moment he said, "crystallized picric acid," the man on the other end of the phone shouted, "Evacuate the building now!"

The full bomb squad arrived and took the beaker carefully up the hill to the 50-yard line of the football stadium and detonated the beaker. The shockwave went clear across the town.