The threat of getting laid off... sooner or later, everyone in the tech world has to deal with it. The question is... do I have enough job security that *I* can feel confident that I won't be the one getting laid off?

I used to think so. There's really nobody in the company that knows the systems that I have developed as well as I do. But isn't that true of the developers also? They are all responsible for their little piece of code, experts about something. So what makes me different?

So that's what it comes down to: what makes me different.

Everyone has to get out their two cents on this issue sooner or later, now it's my turn.

I woke up Tuesday morning to the phone ringing. A friend of ours... I think, what does he want? Probably something political. My husband picks it up, shortly thereafter tells me to turn on CNN. It's about 7:45 Pacific Time. CNN is showing "Breaking News" (this was before their "Attack on America" label)... frightening images. Is it real? Am I dreaming? We saw the second plane crash into the WTC live... I watched in disbelief.

Shortly thereafter, we got out of bed and started watching in the living room (where both of our computers are). We hit the news sites and some discussion forums. In the forums I read some pretty sad things -- accusations left and right based on some stretch of a possible link to the situation. People were calling out to kill all Middle Eastern people, a lot of people encouraging someone (who knows who) to make "parking lots" out of these countries. This reading the news and the discussion forums happened all day (while we were at work). In the evening, I watched the other side -- world leaders voicing their support. People from all around the country donating blood, money, whatever they could. People giving, people being selfless, people being *human*.

The next few days as things started to get sorted out, the forum got a little less zealous -- but still disheartening. There were very few people willing to say "I don't think this is okay"... was it childishness we were dealing with? I hope so... at least then I can try to explain to myself WHY people would say those things. I am thankful for the moderators of the forum, for their willingness to stand up against racism and unacceptable statements.

In one of my classes this response (let's kill them all) was deemed an acceptable gut response. I disagree... and it makes me even more frustrated to think that people find that excusable... is the hate toward Middle Eastern/Arabic people so ingrained in American society that we find this reaction appropriate? Any attempts of mine to say "but that's not okay" were quickly thwarted by not wanting the discussion to turn "political". I learned about the video where supposedly Palestinians were celebrating... and I questioned it. I asked questions about how they knew what they were celebrating, how they knew they were Palestinians, how they knew when, where, and why the tape was recorded... nobody could answer me straight. Online I was greeted with responses calling me an idiot, a "pansy pacifist", a "terrorist lover"... all because I refused to blindly accept this video footage (that I had not even seen, and still haven't). Are Americans so eager to hate that we lose our critical thinking abilities? Is the media so controlling that we believe every word that they say?

Reports on campus began coming in about harassment -- physical and emotional -- of Middle Eastern students. The mosque in our town was closed off. 90% of student members in the Middle Eastern Students Association did not want to be in America anymore. People chasing down a guy on crutches. Death threats. The University leadership responded, calling out to the students to not take part in these hate-fueled acts. Did people listen? I hope so. I want to send the student organization a letter of my support, but I am afraid I just won't find the words.

I have never had such a confused tangle of emotions before. Sadness - for the lives lost, the souls forced to move on by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Encouragement - seeing the outpouring of love and support for the people of New York (as well as DC and Pennsylvania), humanity coming together to give what they can. Disbelief - is this really happening? Anger - at those who are perpetuating hate against innocent indivuals, both in and outside of the US. Empathy - an overflow of emotion every time I watched someone crying out on the TV, every time I read something in the paper or online about another attack on Muslim/Arab Americans. Helplessness - I am so far away, what can I do?

I have learned a lot about the US in the last few days, some of it I think I would rather be ignorant about. I only hope that we can stand together and find ways to make this into something good for the people of the US and of the world.

-n

Just testing my journal. :o)

-nicole