Ask me! I'll be happy to share.

--malto

So, I'm still undecided on wether or not to keep this journal alive. I've got other places to write where I can keep track of my feelings where the writing would actually be more honest than here. The thing isn't that I have issues with everyone knowing about my life, its that I'd much rather have someone simply ask me how things are going than to wait until I post something here. If you wait for me to post something here then take that as being my life without also talking to me, then you really aren't seeing much of my life at all. Important details don't always make their way into this, such as one major life event that's happening right now. It's not that I'm that private, it's simply that I'd much rather hear from you and give you a firsthand account of it. So, if you, the reader, are interested in hearing about my life and the events that are happening, just IM or email me. This also goes for any readers that I may have that have never communicated with me before and have just read this journal, if there are any. I'd welcome any correspondence from friends, so go right ahead.

As I've said, I'm still undecided about the fate of this journal. The thought that I'm leaning towards right now is simply posting my writings here and nothing else. Thoughts?

By the way, who was it that left the comment on the last entry?

--malto

Wow, almost all I've been doing is working. The worst thing is that I'm not even really working too steadily. I worked 21 days straight the first time out, but now I'm staying at my parents house and working closer. Work really isn't fun, but it pays well, so I can handle it. Chances are I'll keep working until the middle of August.. only about another month.

I get to move out of my apartment and into a storage unit on my next time off. I'm also planning on going to visit a friend in Houston, which would rock. So, that's my life now. Did you read this entry? If so, let me know. Maybe you'll see entries here more often than every month and a half.

Peace.

--malto

Well, I might very well be going off to work in a day or two. Possibly even as early as tomorrow morning. I'm really kinda looking forward to doing this. It'll be rough work that's really dangerous, but it pays great.

Anyway, I don't know when I'll be back. I'll be effectively cut off from the world for 1-3 weeks at a time more than likely. Maybe if I'm in the marsh, I'll be able to get non-roaming cell phone coverage, but I'm not sure I even want it out there. Simply being away from everything and everyone will be nice. Alone time is good even if it is spent with 20 or so guys out 50 miles or more away from any type of civilization. It'll give me time to reflect on things and myself.

Alright, well we've come to the end of another journal entry. It might be a while until you hear from me again. Stay real.

--malto

Yeah, summer is here, and I'm less stressed, kinda. I got a job this week at Moncla Well Service. Any guesses what I'll be doing? Anyone? If you correctly guessed that I'll be drilling for oil, give yourself two bonus points. Remember, all points are cumulative and mean absolutely nothing.

So hopefully early next week I'll be at my new home away from home out in the Gulf of Mexico. This also means that more than likely, people won't hear from me at all for 1 to 3 weeks at a time, depending on my work schedule. I know, it'll be hard, but you'll deal. You always do.

Yeah, my "back yard" here at the apartment is absolutely beautiful; I mean the weeds are up to my chest! Every time I look back there I laugh. It's great. One of the neighbors just asked if I wanted to borrow their weed eater, and I just laughed and told them I really didn't care. Actually, I like having a jungle back there, but I'll still probably spray everything with roundup this weekend.

Well, I'm thinking of goin to Prague as an exchange student from UNO. This would be pretty sweet, but it would also delay other life events such as trying to finally make the sound production business profitable. We'll see when I'm actually accepted as a student there.

Well, I suppose that's all for now. I'll write back later.

--malto

Let me tell you about it! I had a test last Thursday (M-Th class) and I am studying for the same stuff again! Oh, it's English final time too. Time to rock.

--malto

That's what I'm getting in two classes this semester, possibly 3. That's nice. Now I just need to make calculus into my bitch. Working on that.... now.

--malto

Ya know, sometimes I can't help but have a feeling that everything is just alright; we're not just hanging on for dear life on this ride we call life. However, at the same time, I'm sorry to say, there is still a deep uneasiness and restlessness that doesn't seem to ever subside. I feel that there is something missing. Then again, I've known this for a long time. Time for some honest reflection and even more change.

In the gas station bathroom by the condom machine, I heard the word of the Lord. He said, "Take off your shoes; this is holy ground too; you know I came for the sick and the bored."
--Don Chaffer

--malto

I would rather live the rest of my life alone than to spend my life with someone and feel alone.

--malto

Cliche statements.

Seriously, can people not put enough thought into ideas to come up with their own statements that may actually be deeply considered instead of using a pre-fabricated statement that most people won't even stop to consider?

Oh, English papers suck too.

--malto

Well, things have a been a bit different lately. Usually, I get along really well with my friends, and not so well with my family (my dad in particular), but lately, it's been the opposite. I've been getting along with my family quite well, but not so well with quite a few friends. Quite a few friends have been getting on my nerves lately. If you're reading this and you think you might be one of them, you're probably right. Like one person that I've done a favor for before has to be begged and nagged about returning the favor of nearly the exact type, and even then, the friend keeps whining and complaining about it the whole time. Yeah, quite irritating. So a lot of my friendships have been getting weaker. Actually, a large majority of the significant ones have been getting much weaker. This isn't really a whiney complaint because I really feel alright about it all. Life goes on. People change, relationships change. Cest la vie. This is just a lull, things will pick back up sooner or later. No big deal.

So, to all who read this: Relax, sit back with a brew(*), and just enjoy yourself. Life goes on. Things change, people change. You will survive.

--malto

* If you don't drink beer, drink coffee. If you don't drink either, I pity you greatly.

Foreword: The following is an explanation of my feelings concerning my departure from Harding University and a limited reflection of my time as a student there. Harding students may find it to be an interesting read. If you're not a Harding student, you will likely not find this to be a very interesting read, though it will give insight into my personality. Leave me a few comments and let me know what you think. Enjoy.

On my departure from Harding University

I became a student at Harding University in the fall of 2001. My majors were Computer Science and Youth and Family Ministry. The Computer Science major changed to Computer Engineering within days of my enrollment. I kept the Youth and Family ministry major and felt very strongly about it. I was planning on becoming a youth minister until that began to get old since youth ministers don't typically remain in their position much past their thirty or so. After the youth ministry angle had been exhausted, I planned on becoming a marriage and family therapist. Computer engineering was supposed to be a backup career, or even a hobby since I have always enjoyed playing with electronics. As many of you now know, this is no longer the plan.

Through my years at Harding, I changed. I definitely changed in a way that I'm sure the institution would dislike, though I can't say that I regret it. During freshman year I matured and gained wisdom and knowledge as would be expected. The first semester of sophomore year wasn't that much different, apart from the fact that things were beginning to become somewhat stagnant. Of course, I expected the new to wear off so this wasn't that much of a surprise. The roommate that I had that semester may have had a bit to do with that, or it could have even been the stress of everything else. Sure my spiritual life was still fine, but I'd learned so much and was trying to process it all since a lot of it didn't fit perfectly with all that I originally felt I knew. By the end of that semester it had been decided that I would take the spring semester off and work since my dad hadn't been working and he was paying for my schooling.

Through the time that I had off over that spring and summer, I re-considered all that I had learned and how that fit me. The conclusions were markedly different from what I had grown up thinking, though it wasn't like my entire foundation had been burned, crushed, then bombed, at which point I got up and moved half way across the country. The foundation I felt that I had previously had only shifted a bit. My perspective on many things changed. To use a Socratic idea, the more I felt I had learned, the more I knew that I knew nothing at all. Realizing that things that I felt were definitive, might not be definitive after all. Things that I had made a big deal out of, were scarcely even worth discussing. Part of this was just learning that it's OK for your best and most knowledgeable answer on a question that you've been contemplating and studying is "I don't know." For example, was the earth created in seven literal days, or is it merely a theological tool. I don't know. Regardless, what does it really matter? If the opening to the book of Genesis is a theological way of explaining the creation account since we couldn't possibly grasp the factual method, what does that change? Similarly, recently I have heard people suggesting that Jesus may have had a wife. If Christ did have a wife, what does that matter? Does that change the fact that he was a blameless perfect sacrifice that died for our sins? Not in the least. It can be hard to accept the answer "I don't know" for several of the questions that may arise, but I would rather accept the idea that I don't know the answer to a question than to find out what I do feel I know is a complete lie.

When I finally returned to Harding, things with my family were better financially, though not by much. Instead of going to school full time and living in a dorm that I would've hated, I decided to work full time and take one evening class in order to get established in the community. During that semester and even more so, the following semester, I decided that I didn't care for Harding all that much anymore. The school began to wear on me. The idea that although by the spring 2004 semester I was 21, yet was not supposed to have girls over to my apartment since we might break out into spontaneous sex didn't appeal to me. I had to go around the rules to actually live off campus, which also irritated me. I wasn't even supposed to drink even if I were on break and in Louisiana. It's not as if I didn't drink while at school once I had turned 21, but I had to conceal my actions. The idea that even when I was living with my parents in high school, I had more freedom than Harding would allow did not sit well with me. That spring semester I strongly contemplated transferring to LSU, but in the end I opted not to transfer due to scholastic reasons.

The following fall semester I was finally a full time student again, at least for a short time. Everything that irritated me concerning Harding was seemingly magnified in the mandatory daily chapel gatherings and the required bible class that I was enrolled in that semester. My impression of the Principals of Biblical Interpretation class was that it was strictly an indoctrinational class which had the goal of making perfect little Church of Christians out of us. The class would have more accurately been titled "How to Interpret the Bible according to William Lambert." Free thought was not tolerated. If you disagreed with Bill Lambert, then you were wrong. No questions asked, no room for slightly differing opinions. I ended up getting sick of the class and paid little if any attention during class. By the end of the month and a half that I spent in the class, I was just writing random journal type entries in my notes, that had nothing to do with the class. This time of reflection was without a doubt the most valuable thing that i got out of the class.

Now I mentioned that I only spent a month and a half in that class; that's because I dropped it soon before October. I was doing horribly in Calculus 2 and there was little hope of making a passing grade in that class by this point, so I decided to drop that class. Since I would be reduced to 8 hours without PBI also, I opted to drop it since I would not be required to attend chapel if I only had 8 hours. Not to mention that I would be rid of the indoctrinational class that I had come to despise.

Though Principals of Biblical Interpretation was a horrible class, it is worth noting that there are some objective and scholarly Biblical classes that are taught at Harding. PBI is probably one of the worst classes available, in fact. In many of the other bible classes available, free thought it tolerated, and even encouraged to an extent. Don't expect any lectures on how great the Muslim faith is, but there are professors that will not stage an argument should you feel differently about an issue than they do.

Over that fall semester, the thought of transferring to LSU came up again. This time it didn't take much to convince me that it was time to leave. I had really come to dislike Harding by this time for previously mentioned reasons among others. Also, I figured that with as often as people came over to hang out, smoke cigars, and drink a few, it was only a matter of time until someone would snitch. The parties that I had never were all that big or wild, though they definitely did happen. I figured it would be much more pleasant if I left on my own will instead of getting booted out, not to mention the tuition at LSU is much cheaper than Harding.

So after thinking it over for the second time, I did decide to transfer. I decided that the academic aspects of Harding weren't enough to get me to stay, and LSU would be a whole lot cheaper. So after my final exam at Harding, I went back to the house and started packing. That night after a couple friends came over, I began properly disposing of all of the beer that was still in the beer fridge, so needless to say, I enjoyed myself quite a bit. The next night, many friends came over for the annual Christmas Burgers grub and movie event. Toward the end of the night everyone lit up cigars and completely smoked the place, and helped to finish off all of the remaining beer. I mean, what are good friends for? I also find it interesting that the biggest drinking party I had at my place was the final night there. No, it wasn't the drunken orgy that Harding always makes out any drinking at all to turn into. Just a few people sitting around, relaxing, and enjoying the proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy along with a few good cigars.(1) It also deserves mention that we coherently discussed Godly things during this rendezvous.

The next day, I loaded up the truck, and the roommate and I headed on to Louisiana.

About a week ago, I visited Harding again. It was great seeing people that I hadn't seen in a long time and meeting new people. Though, I do have to admit that I was very glad that I am no longer a student there. Once upon a time Harding fit me well, and I in turn fit the mold of Harding well. This is not the case anymore. Some people fit the mold of Harding very well, and never change from that. On the other hand, some people don't ever fit it.

Now that I'm at LSU, which is regarded as a huge party school, I don't regret leaving Harding at all. I definitely think it was the best decision I could've made concerning this whole situation. I do think that I could've considered what school to transfer to more than I did since I'm not impressed with what I've seen in LSU's engineering department, but leaving Harding was definitely a great decision for me personally.

Since I've been here at LSU, I haven't become a drunken pill popping anti-Christian fornicator as some people of Harding would imagine anyone who goes to a state school would. The people here really aren't bad at all. I actually like the people here more. They lie less. Students here don't have to censor their beliefs and speech if it doesn't perfectly match up with the accepted mainstream. It's also worth noting that LSU's campus is largely conservative, though in the public arena the conservative side is typically outspoken. Actually, my faith has grown since I've been here at LSU. I've found a respectable group of Christians to fellowship with, and a growing, vibrant church that I actually feel like I am a part of.

Harding University definitely has its place, I do have to admit that. It is apparent that I am not particularly fond of the institution and am thankful that I am no longer a part of it, but I do realize that many people do belong there and the institution does do good. However, in my opinion, I feel that the institution could relax and realize that college students should be responsible enough to make their own decisions. The fact that every single movie shown on campus is censored, including "Shrek" and "The Princess Bride", shows that they apparently do not feel the students are ready, or should be exposed to the outside world.

Though it is apparent that I do not think very highly of Harding, I must say that I do not regret going to school there for the duration of time that I did. I left because I didn't feel I belonged there, and things that have been mentioned here had just started to get under my skin. Leaving was definitely a good idea for me, and I do not regret that in the least. Life continues on; just another time in another place.

1. Quote by Benjamin Franklin: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

I love a good beer buzz, but it's pretty hard to beat a nice caffeine buzz. I'm studying for Geography right now, so I've got a nice little coffee buzz going. But also, while caffeine doesn't dull your motor skills, my uneducated guess says that having 2-3 cups of unadulterated, black, dark roast Community Coffee in 2 hours or so is probably worse for me healthwise than having 2-3 beers. Ah well, as long as I don't make too much of a habit of this.

Back to studying!

--malto

Quick update. The entry I've been promising on my thoughts and reflections on Harding University and my departure has been started. Expect it no later than Wednesday. Also, a note. This entry will be tasteful, and will be far above the "I hate that place" comments that could so easily make it up. Simply, if you're offended by this paper, its your own fault.

I'm at the 'rents right now, and it's time to study for geography. Yay.

Oh, and if you read this, at least let me know. Not that you have to let me know, it's just the idea that the more people I know of that read these entries, the more often you might see new entries. Just a thought. So leave a comment here or a note on IM.

--malto

Ok, I know the last journal entry was pretty down and to the point. Anyway, I'll censor this one. Not so much for language, but because of the fact that if I wouldn't censor it, this entry would go off into a seemingly endless string of profanities from me shouting out of the stress I feel right now.

You have no idea how stressful today was. It's roughly 8 hours after the resolution of the cause of the stress, yet I still can't manage to clear my head enough to do a reasonable amount of studying. I'm trying my hardest to mellow out and relax, but after a day like today, it ain't easy.

Deep breaths... alright. Not in that much of a mood to talk with anyone right now. I'll probably work on calculus for another couple hours and maybe play some guitar and then head to bed. I'm sure a good night's sleep will help me with all of this. Hopefully I can actually sleep well tonight, but at least I don't have to be on campus until 12:30 tomorrow. After tomorrow, one day left before spring break. And on that day is a calculus test. I have a D in calculus right now.

During spring break, I'm planning on gutting the interior of the Corvette. I'll probably start cleaning the interior and just prepping it for the entire rebuild. Who knows, maybe I'll even yank the engine then too. Then again, I might just wait until I have the money to send the frame off and get painted. Right, well, also during spring break I'm planning on going back to Harding to visit some people since if I would be graduating on time from there, it would be this May. Also, expect to see a full paper explaining my thoughts on Harding, why I left, and why I'm not so much of a fan of that institution before too long. I've thrown bits and peices out there on several occasions, but not the entire picture. It's coming.

--malto